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- mReplay Terms of Service Game on, people. And welcome to mReplay. We have locked our lawyers into a closet until they created a Terms of Service that you will understand� not uber-attorney talk. Please contact us if you have any questions or concerns regarding your relationship with mReplay. 1. Your relationship with mReplay 1.1 Your use of mReplay's products, software, services and web sites (referred to collectively as the "Services" in this document and excluding any services provided to you by mReplay under a separate written agreement) is subject to the terms of a legal agreement between you and mReplay. "mReplay" means mReplay Inc., whose principal place of business is at 24 Barbara Road, Orinda, CA 94563, United States. 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WGNAMER

Aired on Monday, Nov 09, 2009 (11/9/2009) at 05:02 AM

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Transcript

00:00:00	(screaming) Aah!
00:00:05	He's gonna find out the hard way those black spots don't wash off.
00:00:10	(boy laughing) (man) LET ME GET A PICTURE.
00:00:18	Okay, come here, buddy.
00:00:20	(girl) LOOK AT VINCE, MOM.
00:00:24	He's so funny.
00:00:26	He came, he seesawed, he conquered.
00:00:30	(man) WHOA! (laughs) Oh, dad.
00:00:34	(woman) WE GOT ENOUGH?
00:00:36	(speaking indistinctly) It looks like it's closing time at this branch.
00:00:43	Whoa!
00:00:48	(woman) GO, KEEGAN.
00:00:49	(speaking indistinctly) Here's more bad economic news-- even the bounce house market is collapsing.
00:00:58	(screaming) (woman laughing) (screaming) Animals have always given us attitude.
00:01:16	Think about it-- raccoons tip over our garbage, skunks stink up our neighborhoods, goldfish, when they're inside their tiny little castles, they're talking about us.
00:01:26	Believe me, just because we're called mankind doesn't mean they're kind to man.
00:01:32	Mitzi has a very subtle way of letting them know she doesn't like her eardrops.
00:01:38	...In her ear.
00:01:39	(barks) (barking) (screams) (screaming) (screams) (laughing) (speaks instinctly) The only one who enjoyed this fox hunt was the fox.
00:02:00	(man) WHOA!
00:02:01	(audience) OH!
00:02:04	Come here. oh.
00:02:06	(man) ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
00:02:09	(man) BERT'S THROWING HER AWAY And she's running back under his legs.
00:02:12	(woman) OH, SHE GETS MAD AT HIM.
00:02:14	(laughs) SHE'S--SHE'S LIKE A MAGNET...
00:02:16	I think it's time to get him a new chew toy.
00:02:20	Ow!
00:02:23	(woman speaking indistinctly) You know how you can tell a monkey likes you?
00:02:29	He doesn't do this.
00:02:32	Oh!
00:02:33	OH, MY GOD! (man) HEY, MONKEY.
00:02:34	It's okay. hang--hang on now.
00:02:38	(man laughing) That toy isn't the only thing in this house that's jumpy.
00:02:50	..
00:02:50	The billy goat might be gruff, but that bison is gruffer.
00:02:55	..
00:02:56	(bleats) OH!
00:02:58	Holy cow!
00:02:59	(man) NO? GOOD TO...
00:03:02	(woman) YES. YES. (laughs) What--what we have here is a mooning monkey.
00:03:06	Now watch.
00:03:08	(snaps fingers) (laughs) (man) DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN, DO IT.
00:03:15	(snaps fingers) Yes, sir. right here, folks.
00:03:19	That was awesome.
00:03:21	(cheering) Okay, now they say that santa leaves a lump of coal in the stockings of all the naughty people in the world.
00:03:35	Well, how does this sound?
00:03:36	We all act extra naughty this year, take the coal, use it to solve the energy crisis.
00:03:42	We'll cut our dependency on foreign oil, and we get to be naughty all year!
00:03:48	That's a win-win.
00:03:50	First, someone wrapped the present.
00:03:52	Then the present rapped him.
00:03:55	(woman laughs) (crying) OW!
00:03:59	(man laughs) I'M RECORDING THIS, BY THE WAY.
00:04:01	(woman) WOW, SANTA'S HERE.
00:04:04	Ironically, he thought this was safer than taking the chimney.
00:04:09	Hello, there. whoa!
00:04:11	Whoa, ho ho!
00:04:13	Well, well, well!
00:04:15	Usually, I'm up on the roof.
00:04:20	(man) COME GET BACK HERE.
00:04:21	(woman) CASEY, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. (baby coos) (woman) CASEY, COME GIVE TASHA SOME SUGAR.
00:04:27	It's a drive-by smooching.
00:04:30	(all laughing) Oh, he put it back in there!
00:04:41	(woman) GOODNESS... (woman) LOOK AT ALL THAT Stuff.
00:04:45	What did he get? uh-oh.
00:04:46	(man speaks indistinctly) (laughs) YEAH.
00:04:48	What's this? whoo!
00:04:51	Sure, you give him a present, he just wants to play with the box.
00:04:56	OH! (laughing) (woman laughing) This is not the kind of stained glass you usually see at christmastime.
00:05:12	(man) GOLD... (laughing) (man) HEY, NANA. NANA, COME ON.
00:05:20	(woman) IS IT ON? (man) DON'T LET HIM...
00:05:23	Are you going to show me your computer?
00:05:26	Yes. lovely.
00:05:27	Here's the wrong way to back up your computer.
00:05:33	Oops.
00:05:36	(woman) OOH, OOH, OOH. OH, DEAR.
00:05:38	♪♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪♪
00:05:40	I think at the next performance, he's going to be in the back row.
00:05:45	♪♪ Dancing and prancing in jingle bell square ♪♪
00:05:49	♪♪ in the frosty air ♪♪
00:05:51	♪♪ what a bright time, it's the right time ♪♪
00:05:55	♪♪ TO ROCK THE NIGHT AWAY ♪♪ (woman) STOP It, stop it.
00:05:58	♪♪ Jingle bell time is a swell time ♪♪
00:06:08	do you know what the shortest amount of time is?
00:06:12	It is not the second, the millisecond or even the nanosecond.
00:06:14	The shortest amount of time is the amount of time between " (Johnny Mathis) ♪♪ JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH Bells jingling ♪♪
00:06:24	♪♪ ring-ting-tingling, too ♪♪
00:06:26	♪♪ come on, it's lovely weather ♪♪
00:06:28	♪♪ for a sleigh ride together with you ♪♪
00:06:30	♪♪ outside the snow is falling ♪♪
00:06:32	♪♪ and friends are calling "yoo-hoo" ♪♪
00:06:35	♪♪ come on, it's lovely weather ♪♪
00:06:37	♪♪ for a sleigh ride together with you ♪♪
00:06:40	♪♪ giddyap, giddyap, giddyap, let's go ♪♪
00:06:43	♪♪ let's look at the show ♪♪
00:06:45	♪♪ we're riding in a wonderland of snow ♪♪
00:06:49	♪♪ giddyap, giddyap, giddyap, it's grand ♪♪
00:06:52	♪♪ just holding your hand ♪♪
00:06:54	♪♪ we're gliding along with a song ♪♪
00:06:57	♪♪ of a wintry fairy land ♪♪
00:06:58	♪♪ nice and rosy and comfy cozy are we ♪♪
00:07:01	♪♪ WE'VE SNUGGLED CLOSE TOGETHER ♪♪ (man) Oh!
00:07:04	♪♪ Like two birds of a feather would be ♪♪
00:07:05	oh!
00:07:07	♪♪ Let's take that road before us ♪♪
00:07:09	♪♪ and sing a chorus or two ♪♪
00:07:11	♪♪ come on, it's lovely weather ♪♪
00:07:13	♪♪ for a sleigh ride together with you ♪♪
00:07:16	♪♪ lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ♪♪
00:07:20	yeah!
00:07:22	(laughter) (applause) (Tom) "AFV's"...
00:07:28	(instrumental "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing) (man) TA-DA!
00:07:37	(woman gasps) OH, MY GOD! OH, NO!
00:07:54	♪♪♪♪
00:08:00	♪♪♪♪
00:08:12	irresistible"Cinnabon" of PillsburyCinnamon Rolls Bring everyone to thetable in their Sunday best buy750 water.
00:09:29	Or just onebrita faucet filter.
00:09:33	- ( plinks )-BRITA.
00:09:34	Better for the environmentand your wallet.
00:10:09	wastesover don't throw it away.
00:10:12	Protect it in the freezer.
00:10:14	..
00:10:16	That saves food from freezer burn, saving you money.
00:10:20	S.c. johnson, a family company.
00:10:54	Introducing smart shadesmart balance.
00:10:55	Make up so smart, it does 2 things at once.
00:10:57	One, instantly adjusts to match your skin tone.
00:11:00	Two, works throughoutthe day to keep oily areas shine free and dry skinsoftly hydrated.
00:11:06	New from almay.
00:11:08	@/ (cheering) Welcome back.
00:11:18	Have you ever noticed when men age, their pants get higher and higher?
00:11:25	You've noticed this, right?
00:11:26	BY THE TIME SOME MEN ARE IN THEIR 80s, They have to open their zipper to eat soup.
00:11:32	(laughr) (laughs) WOULD I LIE?
00:11:35	Check out these moldy oldies.
00:11:38	Ma'am overboard!
00:11:43	(gasps) OH, MY!
00:11:44	Oh, my god. oh, my god! I'm sorry about that.
00:11:48	(man and woman speaking indistinctly) IT'S THE tour de Gramps!
00:11:55	(man) WHOA!
00:11:57	(screaming, laughing) (woman speaks indistinctly) Aah!
00:12:02	I don't know what vintage that is, but apparently, it's not a very good year.
00:12:08	Whoa! oh!
00:12:11	This is the worst episode of "baywatch" ever!
00:12:17	(laughter) Well, I think if she misses me, I can get out of here.
00:12:26	Croquet may be a gentle game, but grammy plays to win.
00:12:30	OH! (laughter) (man) JO, YOU'VE GOT HIM.
00:12:34	..
00:12:37	About 80 years ago.
00:12:39	(woman) CAN YOU GET-- MOM, STOP!
00:12:46	(woman) OH, MY GOD.
00:12:47	(laughing) SHE TRIED TO STOP.
00:12:50	I broke her fence. are you okay?
00:12:51	(woman) THIS IS HIS FIRST TIME IN THE WATER.
00:12:52	It's baby's first time in the water, and it might be grandpa's last.
00:12:58	(woman) OH! OH!
00:13:00	Uh-oh.
00:13:01	(laughs) WILL, ARE YOU OKAY? (laughs) Oh, it looks like the rolling stones are getting ready to go back on tour.
00:13:14	(man) WAIT!
00:13:22	(banjo music playing) Oh!
00:13:33	Whoa! whoa!
00:13:35	(woman screams) (man) LOOK OUT! (screams) (man) HERE IT COMES!
00:13:43	(girl) MOMMY! (screams) Oh, my god.
00:13:53	(man) OH. (woman) OH!
00:13:55	(screams) (screams) (screams) (screams) (woman gasps) (cat screeches) You know, if dogs and cats rafor the title of america's favorite pet, the debates would not be very interesting.
00:14:14	Uh, dogs would only chase their tails around the podium.
00:14:17	Cats would just stare at you with disdain.
00:14:20	I think it's a much better idea to let them battle it out here.
00:14:25	He wants it.
00:14:26	How much is that bologna in the window?
00:14:34	(laughing) This is the last time he waves to the cat across the street.
00:14:49	(laughter) (woman) SIT DOWN.
00:15:01	This boxer has a great cornerman.
00:15:04	(laughter) (baby laughs) Yeah!
00:15:13	(boy) THIS IS BOO. (woman) HE'S GONNA GET Away.
00:15:16	.." not only does that sweater make him look funny.
00:15:21	It makes him walk funny.
00:15:24	(laughing) (laughing) (man) SMILE.
00:15:29	He has been showing off ever since he got his teeth whitened.
00:15:34	(woman) CAN YOU SMILE?
00:15:36	(laughter) (woman) OOH, PRETTY SMILE.
00:15:44	(barking) (man) HE'S GONNA GET MAD.
00:15:47	(man) HE'LL ATTACK IN A MINUTE.
00:15:49	Guess who's the scaredy-cat?
00:15:52	(man) OH! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
00:15:55	Oh, my god! oh, my god!
00:15:57	(woman) UH,GIVE ME A "C." C!
00:16:00	Give me an "a." a!
00:16:02	Give me a "t." t!
00:16:05	What does that spell? dog!
00:16:07	(laughs) NO.IT'S "CAT." I... (laughs) " whatcha doing, trying to be biglike you, dad.
00:16:35	You're so good at keepingeveryone full and focused with your fiber.
00:16:39	But you already are great at doing that.
00:16:41	- Really? - sure!
00:16:42	You're made with fiber just like me.
00:16:44	But best of all, you're the perfect size for smaller kids, and they love your chocolaty taste.
00:16:48	Kellogg's®®frosted mini-wheats little bites™™ cereal.
00:16:50	An excellent sourceof fiber packed in a smaller ..
00:16:53	To help keep your little onesfull and focus.
00:16:55	- to practice keeping 'em full and focused.
00:16:59	I have big shoes to fill.
00:19:02	I want a product withthe best decongestant.
00:19:04	My choice is clear:claritin-d.
00:19:06	(announcer)NOTHING WORKS STRONGER, FASTER, Or longer to relieve your worstallergy symptoms, including congestion,without drowsiness.
00:19:12	Get claritin-d at thepharmacy counter.
00:19:14	Live claritin clear.
00:19:17	it?
00:19:17	- but no one could get it. - I got it!
00:19:19	WE GOT IT WITH Kmart LAYAWAY.
00:19:21	I GOT IT WITH Kmart LAYAWAY.
00:19:22	Shop now, put a little down,pay a little ..
00:19:25	And pick up everythingbefore christmas.
00:19:27	You got it on layaway.
00:19:28	THERE'S SMART,AND THERE'S Kmart SMART.
00:19:35	I'm talking with some of our, uh, visitors.
00:19:38	Ned, you're from california valley, you said?
00:19:40	..
00:19:42	About 450, 500. 450.
00:19:44	And, karen, you're from sweden, right? yeah.
00:19:46	And how many people there? 9 million.
00:19:48	9 Million. she's got you beat, ned.
00:19:51	She's got you beat.
00:19:52	You know, I thought as a special treat for-- particularly for you, visiting from another country, I would show you some of my own home movies.
00:19:59	it's sort of like being stuck in a room with a person showing you slides from their family vacation, YOU KNOW? (laughs) It's kind of like that.
00:20:06	Well, since it's winter now, or around the christmas season, I thought I'd spend a little time in the snow, and here I am receiving one of the world's biggest snowballs.
00:20:14	(man) START ROLLING IT.
00:20:15	(girl) RIGHT. DADDY, WHAT DO I DO, THOUGH?
00:20:16	You tackle it.
00:20:19	(speaking indistinctly) I got it.
00:20:27	(man laughing) That hair doesn't move-- doesn't move.
00:20:32	Now I love skiing, and I'm usually fine going down the slopes, but going up lifts, that's a different story.
00:20:48	There is nothing as much fun as sledding.
00:20:51	After all, what could go wrong on a nice soft inner tube?
00:21:02	(laughter) Oh!
00:21:12	You think I would have figured out it's better to wear a hat at some point.
00:21:17	Just to make it a little more challenging, the next time I went down backwards.
00:21:30	You ever do any ofhis fun stuff in sweden?
00:21:31	Yeah, we do.
00:21:33	are--do the people have heads that big?
00:21:37	No. no. no.
00:21:37	From all this, I did learn one thing about sledding-- make sure your hill is free of shrubbery.
00:21:44	GO. (girl screaming) (speaking indistinctly) (screaming) OW! (laughs) All right, that's it for my home movies.
00:21:56	Now how about the rest of america's?
00:21:59	What time of year is it when trampoliners fall from the trees?
00:22:06	Oh!
00:22:09	(grunts) Ready?
00:22:15	She might be too old to go down that slide, but she's just the right age to go through it.
00:22:22	(laughs) (man laughs) Uh-oh.
00:22:30	That looked like it kind of hurt.
00:22:32	(laughs) Turn that off.
00:22:36	(laughing) (laughs) DUDE, YOU BUSTED OUT OF THAT THING.
00:22:41	♪♪ Love me, baby ♪♪
00:22:43	this is the kind of dancing that should go back in the closet.
00:22:47	♪♪ Love me, baby ♪♪
00:22:53	last one in the pool's a rotten yorkie.
00:23:00	(man laughs) He just jumped in.
00:23:05	Come on.
00:23:06	There you go.
00:23:08	You don't want to stay in too long.
00:23:13	(laughs) I GUESS YOU DO.
00:23:17	Oh!
00:23:20	All right, let me try this one. no, you don't.
00:23:23	You know, I think both players in this game should wear a helmet. hurry up.
00:23:29	Oh!
00:23:32	I know he couldn't wait to use the slide, but he should have spent more time on the installation.
00:23:38	(screaming) (woman laughing) (man) AL IS GOING TO SKATEBOARD.
00:23:50	Ow!
00:23:51	I guess skateboarding is one sport YOU DON'T WANT A FRONT ROW SEAT FOR. (woman) Tell me you got that.
00:23:58	(water sloshing in glass) (man) I THINK YOU HAVE ENOUGH WATER IN THERE Now.
00:24:03	" christmas is a time when peace should prevail in every corner of the earth.
00:24:17	Unfortunately, I don't think that extends to casey and jessy's kitchen.
00:24:22	♪♪ Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ♪♪
00:24:24	♪♪ had a very shiny nose ♪♪
00:24:26	♪♪ and if you ever saw it ♪♪
00:24:29	♪♪ you would even say it glows ♪♪ ♪♪ la la la la la la la ♪♪
00:24:31	.. ♪♪ all of the other reindeer ♪♪
00:24:32	♪♪ all of the other reindeer ♪♪
00:24:36	no!
00:24:37	♪♪ Used to laugh ♪♪ ♪♪ all of the other ♪♪
00:24:38	no, no, no!
00:24:40	♪♪ All of the other reindeer ♪♪
00:24:42	♪♪ used to laugh and call him ♪♪ stop it!
00:24:45	..
00:24:47	♪♪ All of f the other ♪♪ ♪♪ used to laugh and call him ♪♪
00:24:51	stop!
00:24:52	♪♪ Rudolph the red--all of the other reindeer ♪♪ ♪♪ other reindeer ♪♪
00:24:56	stop!
00:24:58	♪♪ All of the other reindeer ♪♪ ♪♪ reindeer ♪♪
00:25:01	stop!
00:25:03	(laughs) (screaming) OW!
00:25:06	♪♪ All of the other reindeer ♪♪ ♪♪ reindeer ♪♪
00:25:09	stop!
00:25:12	(woman laughing) HAPPY HOLIDAYS And merry christmas to you guys, too.
00:25:17	Fine, casey. I'm not your friend.
00:25:24	"AFV's"...
00:25:31	They fit.
00:25:33	(laughs) yeah, these will work.
00:25:35	JUST GOING ON-- (screams) (barks) (barking) Oh! oh, my!
00:25:50	(barking) arthritis I just want fewer pills and relief that lasts all day.
00:26:33	Take 2 extra strength tylenol every 4 to !?
00:26:38	..
00:26:40	And if I take it for 10 days -- that's 80 pills.
00:26:46	Just 2 aleve can last all day.
00:26:48	Perfect.
00:26:49	..
00:26:51	Fewer pills thanextra strength tylenol.
00:26:53	Just 2 aleve havethe strength to relieve arthritis pain all day.
00:27:13	Announcer:WHEN comes viruses, like 2009 h1n1, regularly disinfect surfaces.
00:27:19	And talk to your friendsabout doing the same.
00:27:21	Let's help spread protection against flu viruses like 2009 h1n1.
00:27:28	(announcer) experience ...the more you expect from your pain reliever.
00:27:31	..
00:27:34	With one layerthat works fast, ...and anotherthat lasts all day.
00:27:43	(mom) (brother) WHOA - A TRANSFORMER! BEEU BEEU (announcer) WITH GREAT GIFTS IN ALL SHAPES ..
00:27:49	It's a barbie!
00:27:50	(announcer)KMART MAKES CHRISTMAS COUNT Find eveything from pixos and chixos to the guitar hero 5 bundle.
00:27:54	There's smart,and there's kmart smart.
00:28:00	tostart but I wasn't readyto give up taste.
00:28:02	Sometimes, sacrifice isthe name of the game.
00:28:05	Well I've heard eatingwhole grain oats can help lowermy cholesterol.
00:28:10	It's going to bea challenge...
00:28:11	Sure we want to lowerour cholesterol, but let's be real,being healthy is tough Yea (announcer)@Honey Nut Cheerios Cereal tastes great and can help lowercholesterol.
00:28:21	Bee Happy.Bee Healthy.
00:28:23	stickshitting (announcer) Try AppleCinnamon Cheerios.
00:28:26	kedin apple th adaring amount of cinnamon.
00:28:39	As if we needed further proof that the economy is in the dumper, rumor has it santa is moving his workshop to china.
00:28:48	I know it's a shame.
00:28:49	If you want to complain about it, pick up the phone and call the north pole.
00:28:53	You'll end up with an operator in india.
00:28:55	Here is some good fun that can't be outsourced.
00:29:03	..
00:29:05	Wave good-bye to your camera.
00:29:14	You're supposed to throw a coin in the fountain, but take it out of your pants first.
00:29:20	My turn, my turn, my turn.
00:29:22	(woman) OH! OH! (man) WHOA!
00:29:24	(speaking indistinctly) (laughs) ARE YOU OKAY? (laughs) Yeah, I know-- the dog ate your homework, and the cat popped your yoga ball.
00:29:38	Oh!
00:29:41	(screaming) (man) GO GIVE HER A HAND THERE, KRISTEN.
00:29:45	Careful, this water weiner has a 3-girl limit.
00:29:48	(screaming) (man laughs) (woman) WHOA!
00:29:57	(barks) Pugs love treats.
00:30:02	Cats hate sharing.
00:30:23	(woman) SHE GOT ONE.
00:30:24	He tied his loose tooth to that dictionary.
00:30:27	He should have used it to look up the words " ONE... (woman) I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST READING THE DICTIONARY. (boy) OKAY, Jordan, get it.
00:30:36	One, two, three.
00:30:39	What are you doing?
00:30:41	(woman) JORDAN.
00:30:45	Can I try it, mom?
00:30:47	Jordan.
00:30:49	(man) OH, YEAH.
00:30:51	Oh.
00:30:52	(girl) IT'S MY BAT! ONE MORE. IT WAS TOO Low.
00:30:55	That's too low for you. ready?
00:30:58	Even if you swing like a girl, you can still do some damage.
00:31:07	(woman) SHANNON, NO, NO.
00:31:12	I know the last thing you want to do ..
00:31:17	Is think.
00:31:17	If you wanted to think, you'd be at work or school ..
00:31:23	..
00:31:24	Books!
00:31:25	Don't be worried when I tell you we're gonna do a little math.
00:31:29	We've done the work for you, and we've even added pictures.
00:31:32	When things don't quite add up, IT MUST BE "AFV's"...
00:31:37	..
00:31:41	Plus and ice cream cone catastrophe.
00:31:46	According to my calculations, that equals this "thrilla" in vanilla.
00:31:54	..
00:31:59	..
00:32:03	(laughing) And you get these quadratic cuties.
00:32:08	(babies laughing in unison) ..
00:32:18	..
00:32:25	..
00:32:31	Oh.
00:32:32	And you get a unicycling, guitar-playing, puppet-pulling pratfall.
00:32:41	THIS HAS BEEN "AFV's"...
00:32:44	Your formula for failure.
00:32:50	For centuries, kids have been leaving cookies for santa on christmas eve.
00:32:55	After all those calories, it's amazing he can still squeeze down the chimney.
00:33:00	I think it's time to start leaving santa celery sticks.
00:33:03	After all, if santa doesn't fit, the gifts might quit.
00:33:08	(man) ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT YOUR PRESENT?
00:33:11	Okay, go open it up.
00:33:14	Really excited?
00:33:15	Here's a gift that's definitely one size fits all.
00:33:21	(woman laughing) (man) WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?
00:33:26	(laughter) Oh, I got new pans.
00:33:31	(gasps) TRAYS.
00:33:33	Mom was nice.
00:33:35	The gift was naughty.
00:33:39	Oh.
00:33:40	(laughs) (woman) WHERE? (girl) FINALLY, WE GOT ANOTHER Girl.
00:33:46	"Peace on earth, good will toward men" doesn't say anything about cats and dogs.
00:33:52	(hisses) (woman) OH, NOT REALLY.
00:33:55	(boy) OH, POOR DAD.
00:33:56	..
00:33:59	(man) HI, HONEY. HI.
00:34:00	A VISIT FROM HER DAUGHTER. (man) HOW YOU Doing?
00:34:03	I'm fine. I got your present.
00:34:05	Do you like my hair? yeah.
00:34:07	I MADE-- (screams) (screaming) (laughing) If you need support, lean on something solid, not your grandma.
00:34:24	See?
00:34:25	(screaming) (man) WHOA!
00:34:29	YEAH. (laughing) GET ME-- They say you don't choose a christmas tree.
00:34:39	A christmas tree chooses you.
00:34:42	OKAY. (screaming) I got out.
00:34:51	To a kid, nothing can ruin christmas like getting clothes.
00:34:57	Well, that's a box. what's inside the box?
00:35:00	..
00:35:03	Clothes.
00:35:04	Oh, nice.
00:35:07	(woman) NICE.
00:35:08	(laughter) Nicholas.
00:35:12	Hey, christmas is over?
00:35:22	Oh, yes.
00:35:24	Remember when family time meant sitting around the fireplace and talking?
00:35:28	Well, now family time usually means everyone logs onto their computer, reads each other's blogs.
00:35:33	The way we spend time together might change, but the results remain the same.
00:35:38	("Tales from the Vienna Woods" playing) (screaming) Whoa!
00:36:04	(cheering indistinctly) Oh!
00:36:56	(Jess) WANT TO SEE YOUR FUNNY VIDEO ON "AFV"?
00:37:13	Nancy's hosting her first thanksgiving.
00:37:15	So she turned to target to get it all for a low price.
00:37:17	She expects her in-laws will be thankful it feels like home.
00:37:24	She expects, with practice, her flair for fall will be flawless.
00:37:32	And thanks to target's great prices, she'll get everything she needs to make her first thanksgiving memorable for all.
00:37:40	Target.
00:37:41	Expect more. pay less.
00:39:14	) ) ( inhaling deeply ) When fragrance is your centerpiece, wow!
00:39:21	The holidays come alive.
00:39:23	The limited editionholiday collection by glade®®.
00:39:25	S.c. johnson--a family company.
00:39:31	making the perfect holiday pie requires one skill the ability to gracefully accept compliments @ irresistible"Cinnabon" of PillsburyCinnamon Rolls Bring everyone to thetable in their Sunday best There was a man-- by the way, this is true-- he was married 29 times.
00:40:12	29 Times.
00:40:13	You'd think by about 23, 24, he'd be thinking, maybe I should get a dog.
00:40:20	Here are some people who just said "i do" once, but I have a feeling they meant it.
00:40:25	..
00:40:27	As a token of my trust and love for you.
00:40:30	As a token of my lust-- love and trust for you.
00:40:34	(laughter) Some guys just have trouble being faithful.
00:40:42	to grieve with you in sorrow.
00:40:45	to grow with you in love.
00:40:48	to be faithful to you alone.
00:40:53	(laughs) (laughter) To be faithful to you alone.
00:41:06	(baby screams) As long as you both shall live.
00:41:10	As long as we both shall live.
00:41:14	♪♪ The music ♪♪
00:41:16	♪♪ let it, let it move you ♪♪
00:41:18	it was these kind of moves that kept him single for 35 years.
00:41:30	(woman) PUT IT DOWN AND HOLD IT.
00:41:32	I guess we know who wears the pants in this family.
00:41:37	Can we have someone-- a man open--oh.
00:41:39	She's gonna build our house.
00:41:41	(speaks indistinctly) Oh, now that is too good.
00:41:46	(baby coos) $500 For cake.
00:41:50	That's $250 a nostril.
00:41:53	Oh!
00:41:54	(woman) OH! (man) OH!
00:41:57	(speaking indistinctly) I've seen less vicious hits on "monday night " I don't know if she's the next to get married, but the jets took her in the first round.
00:42:20	(cheering) I hope the marriage lasts longer than the carriage.
00:42:26	(woman) OH, HE'S NOT GOING WHERE HE SHOULD Be going?
00:42:30	Oh!
00:42:32	And the lessons of your grace ..
00:42:36	Many people turn to prayer for direction.
00:42:40	...To enjoy the evening, to party in joy and to be with us always.
00:42:45	WE--WHAT? (laughs) The bathroom is to the left.
00:42:49	(laughter) Another first.
00:43:02	(laughter) May god also be with us as we go to the bathroom this day and always.
00:43:09	In jesus' name, amen.
00:43:20	Okay, it is time once again for our "salute " tonight, we tip our hats to a criminal-- this is a true story-- who rushed into a bank with a plastic bag over his head and announced it was a stickup.
00:43:35	He forgot to cut eyeholes in the plastic bag.
00:43:40	Brilliant.
00:43:41	He didn't get the loot, but he does get our salute to stupidity.
00:43:46	(singing indistinctly) They should take this act on the road.
00:43:51	In fact, here comes their tour bus now.
00:43:56	(screaming) (woman laughs) DYLAN, STOP!
00:44:02	(woman) OOH, LOOK AT IT GO. GO!
00:44:05	(screams) Huh, bubbles usually go to your nose.
00:44:13	YES! (woman) OH, MY...
00:44:15	Your insurance rates are sure to go up when you get in an accident in your own living room.
00:44:23	(woman laughs) A runner can be caught running to third.
00:44:29	I didn't know he could be caught in a stampede.
00:44:42	(woman) HE WAS LIKE, "AAH." (woman) SAY "HI." (meows) (woman) SAY "HELLO." (meows) Hey, guys, look out for hitchhikers.
00:45:02	(woman) OH, MY GOD!
00:45:04	(man) DID YOU GET IT ON VIDEO?
00:45:07	I got it!
00:45:15	(laughter) (man) BECKY.
00:45:19	Did you know that 4 out of 5 babies prefer that you don't do this.
00:45:28	(man) OH, GOOD ONE, SHAR.
00:45:32	Oh, beauty.
00:45:33	WE'RE TAKING A REST HERE. (man) A BREATHER?
00:45:36	Taking a breather before we eat some more.
00:45:38	Yeah, maybe the bench is telling you you've eaten enough.
00:45:42	(man) OH, NO! YOU OKAY?
00:45:45	(laughter) (cheering) ..
00:45:52	@@@@úúúpppxpxxxx÷÷ it?
00:45:54	- but no one could get it. - I got it!
00:45:56	WE GOT IT WITH Kmart LAYAWAY.
00:45:58	I GOT IT WITH Kmart LAYAWAY.
00:45:59	Shop now, put a little down,pay a little ..
00:46:01	And pick up everythingbefore christmas.
00:46:03	You got it on layaway.
00:46:05	THERE'S SMART,AND THERE'S Kmart SMART.
00:46:54	signof cold...
00:46:55	( sneezing ) I didn't takeZicam Cold Remedy...
00:46:58	But I did.
00:46:59	Can you do it by 3:00 ?
00:47:00	Yes, I can-- how about 2:00 ?
00:47:03	Hmm...
00:47:04	Get over your cold faster.
00:47:39	Announcer:WHEN comes viruses, like 2009 h1n1, regularly disinfect surfaces.
00:47:45	And talk to your friendsabout doing the same.
00:47:47	Let's help spread protection against flu viruses like 2009 h1n1.
00:47:59	..your tire's all flat and junk.
00:48:00	Oh, did I do that?
00:48:04	Here, let me get my cellular out - call ya a wrecker.
00:48:06	...Oh shoot...i got no phone ...cuz I'm a pothole...so....k, bye!
00:48:14	Anncr: accidents are bad.
00:48:20	Anncr: but geico's good.
00:48:21	With emergency road service. ding!
00:48:25	♪♪♪♪
00:48:31	♪♪♪♪
00:48:44	made with gooeyHersheys Mini-Kisses.
00:48:48	Spontanious joymay occur.
00:48:58	Okay, now.
00:48:59	Let's see who get some cash stuffed in their christmas stocking.
00:49:03	It is time to meet our three nominees.
00:49:05	First up, "pocket performance" sent in by the booth family from springfield, pennsylvania.
00:49:11	♪♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪♪
00:49:14	I think at the next performance, he's going to be in the back row.
00:49:18	♪♪ Dancing and prancing in jingle bell square ♪♪
00:49:22	♪♪ in the frosty air ♪♪
00:49:25	(cheers and applause) The second contender hoping there's a little something extra under their tree-- "treat poaching pug," sent in by dawn hostetler from schaumburg, illinois.
00:49:38	Pugs love treats.
00:49:41	Cats hate sharing.
00:49:51	(cheers and applause) And the third nominee trying to win the dough ho ho-- "praying for a bathroom" sent in by tom daniels from allentown, pennsylvania.
00:50:02	Many people turn to prayer for direction.
00:50:06	...To enjoy the evening, to party in joy and to be with us always.
00:50:12	WE--WHAT? (laughs) The bathroom is to the left.
00:50:16	(cheers and applause) Okay, our audience has seen the three nominees.
00:50:20	It is time for you all to vote right now.
00:50:23	(beeping) And while we determine a winner, let's have a look at tonight's, eh, losers-- our honorable mentions.
00:50:31	(crash) (woman gasps) (screams) (car brakes squealing) (crash) (chimes sounding) (crash) (cartoon music) (thud) (whiffing sound, gong chiming) (birds chirping) (explosion) (applause) Okay, now the results of our voting.
00:51:07	Our third place $2,000 winner is "praying for a bathroom," sent in by tom daniels from allentown, pennsylvania.
00:51:17	(drumroll) AND THE WINNER OF THE $10,000 ..
00:51:23	"Pocket performance" sent in by the booth family from springfield, pennsylvania.
00:51:30	Here we have star billy, mom erin, dad bob .. wait, how much money did I win?
00:51:37	How much money didyouwin? yeah.
00:51:40	You're not gonna share it with anybody?
00:51:42	.. who took the--who took the video, though?
00:51:45	Mom! oh, yeah. mom took the video.
00:51:47	Yeah, mom took the video.
00:51:48	What--what did you think when you saw your son pocket dancing?
00:51:51	I-i couldn't believe that he was doing it.
00:51:52	Yeah.
00:51:53	Um, I video taped, 'cause dad was out of .. right.
00:51:56	And everybody else was standing still, and all of a sudden, he just started dancing.
00:51:58	Yeah, what did you-- what were you thinking when you--you did um, I was just-- I was just thinking that it would be kind of funny. yeah.
00:52:06	And I didn't know I'd steal a show, but somehow I did. somew you did.
00:52:10	Now you already have the $10,000.
00:52:12	You can--you can say no to this request, but, maestro, do we have a little music?
00:52:15	Yes, we do.
00:52:17	LET'S PLAY IT. (Erin) GO AHEAD, BILLY.
00:52:19	♪♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪♪
00:52:22	♪♪ jingle bell chime in jingle bell time ♪♪
00:52:25	thank you very much.
00:52:27	Haven't lost the touch. that's charming.
00:52:28	And you're gonna join us again for the $100,000 show later in the season, so bring more pants.
00:52:36	Congratulations. congratulations.
00:52:47	Merry christmas, everybody.
00:52:49	We will see you soon, and remember, if you get it in video, you, too, could get it in cash.
00:52:54	Good night, everybody.
00:53:30	When we come up here is take her out to eat.
00:53:33	I love when they come visit and so do my roommates.
00:53:36	try our new four cheese stuffed mezzaluna ravioli with shrimp in white wine cream sauce.
00:53:40	Or with grilled sausage.
00:53:41	Starting at $9.95.
00:53:43	At olive garden.
00:53:45	♪♪♪♪
00:54:06	(announcer)TRY OUT A FEW DIFFERENT MOMS And get all of theextra mothering you need this coldand flu season.
00:54:10	THE KLEENEX VIRTUALMOMS AT getmommed.com.
00:54:45	(announcer)@ARE with never know wheni'll have a flare.
00:54:49	The pain is bad.
00:54:52	Going out meansplanning every detail.
00:54:54	Missed my bestfriend's wedding.
00:54:57	So many pills.
00:54:57	(announcer)@IF YOU'RE ON MEDICATION AND Still having flares, your crohn's disease maynot be under control.
00:55:02	GO TOLivingWithCrohn'sDisease.com And take the crohn'scontrol quiz.
00:55:06	Talk to yourgastroenterologist about the results andcurrent treatments.
00:55:10	I won't give up.
00:55:11	Crohn's disease willnot control me.
00:55:15	) ( humming continues ) ( inhaling deeply ) ♪♪♪♪
00:55:22	wow!
00:55:23	♪♪♪♪
00:55:29	when fragrance is your centerpiece, the holidays come alive.
00:55:34	♪♪♪♪
00:55:35	( thud ) Both: Whoa!
00:55:39	The limited editionholiday collection by glade®®.
00:55:42	S.c. johnson--a family company.
00:55:45	♪♪♪♪
00:55:52	♪♪♪♪
00:56:05	made with gooeyHersheys Mini-Kisses.
00:56:08	Spontanious joymay occur.
00:56:15	(mom) (brother) WHOA - A TRANSFORMER! BEEU BEEU (announcer) WITH GREAT GIFTS IN ALL SHAPES ..
00:56:21	It's a barbie!
00:56:22	(announcer)KMART MAKES CHRISTMAS COUNT Find eveything from pixos and chixos to the guitar hero 5 bundle.
00:56:26	There's smart,and there's kmart smart.
00:57:18	..
00:57:19	Are you ready? all right.
00:57:21	COME ON! (boy laughs) YEAH!
00:00:00	u peso.
00:00:02	(cracking) (man laughs) OH!
00:00:06	(laughing) Is this a case for the coast guard or a mouth guard?
00:00:15	OW! (audience) OH!
00:00:18	Ow.
00:00:19	And action! action!
00:00:22	Inflate ball, deflate ego.
00:00:26	(laughing) (barking) (laughter) I don't know if they need to trim his nails or stop waxing theor.
00:00:47	(barking) (laughter) (barking) (laughs) MOVE!
00:01:00	I'm not sure, but I hope this is a stunt granny.
00:01:03	OH! (laughter) (speaking in foreign language) Apparently, elmo's world has been turned upside down!
00:01:20	(woman laughs) YOU LOOK SO GOOFY!
00:01:23	(man speaks indistinctly) Mama!
00:01:27	Dada. mama. dada, dada!
00:01:30	Dada!
00:01:32	(coos) (girls laughing) It's the last run of the day, not for him-- for that little girl.
00:01:42	(woman laughs) OH, SPENCER!
00:01:44	(screams) OH, NO!
00:01:46	(man laughs) OH, SPENCER!
00:01:48	-- a weapon of mass drenching.
00:01:54	(kids) OHH!
00:01:56	(laughing) steep-- lucky this tree stops his slide and his dreams of becoming a father.
00:02:09	(laughter) (cheering) YOU KNOW, EVERY PRESIDENT... (man) WHOO!
00:02:19	In the last century has had a dog.
00:02:20	Now you may have heard recently, president bush's dog barney bit a reporter.
00:02:26	President clinton's dog buddy once ate an entire box of a reporter's doughnuts.
00:02:30	THESE ARE ALL TRUE THINGS. (laughter) President ford took his labrador out to do his "business" one night.
00:02:36	President ford locked himself out of the white house.
00:02:38	Teddy roosevelt's terrier pete chased the french ambassador through the rose garden, cho--chewed a big hole in his pants.
00:02:44	Now these next pooches may not be the first dog, but they're first in our book.
00:02:54	It's more fun than when you usually use a shovel after your dog.
00:03:00	(laughter) ♪♪♪♪
00:03:09	when a tail meets a tailpipe.
00:03:13	(laughter) (growling) So this is what they do when they're not playing poker.
00:03:33	(laughter) (man) THERE WE GO.
00:03:41	Don't you bite me.
00:03:44	Here's how you can take your dog for a walk without ever leaving the comfort of your chair.
00:03:51	(speaks indistinctly) ..
00:03:56	(man) SMILE, TARA. BIG SMILE.
00:03:58	Big smile, tara. come on.
00:04:01	Come on, tara, smile.
00:04:03	Give me a smile.
00:04:05	Tara, give me a smile.
00:04:07	Tara, give me a smile.
00:04:09	look at that smile!
00:04:12	I don't know what that dog is digging for, but I'll bet he finds a bath.
00:04:20	(laughter) (cheering) You know, some people love to be scared.
00:04:34	They can't get enough of horror movies, haunted houses or even worse, they can't stop checking their stock portfolio.
00:04:41	For others, getting a fright is far from a delight.
00:04:45	I don't know who's more afraid-- the cat, the rat or the lady.
00:04:52	See it? see it?
00:04:54	Whoa! whoa! whoa!
00:04:56	Whoa!
00:05:01	There is no snooze button on an alarm pot.
00:05:07	(clanging) (laughing) That's not the real troy aikman, but it is a real snake.
00:05:22	(girl) LOOK OUT!
00:05:24	(laughing) ♪♪♪♪
00:05:34	stop!
00:05:36	I've got a real bad back!
00:05:41	(woman) SAY SOMETHING TO THE CAMERA.
00:05:44	" " spider-man. that's spider-man?
00:05:51	Spider-man. look at daddy.
00:05:52	YOU'RE THE MAN? ARE YOU THE MAN? AAH! (crying) Why don't you just, like, p it?
00:05:58	I don't know what kind of car he wanted, but he got a viper.
00:06:04	(screams) (laughter) OKAY. (hisses) (hisses) NO, WASH TIME.
00:06:15	(continues hissing) OH, CAN YOU GRAB ME THE, ..
00:06:18	She needs some soap, a towel and a needle and thread.
00:06:24	The, um, blue thing.
00:06:27	What--oh, man!
00:06:30	(laughter) ♪♪♪♪
00:06:39	you know, "girl crazy" usually describes a boy who can't stop thinking about girls, but for this next montage, it's a question and an answer-- girl? crazy.
00:06:52	(Emily) ♪♪ SO YOU HAD SOME BAD LUCK ♪♪
00:06:54	♪♪ Life sucks, can't do nothin' right ♪♪
00:06:56	♪♪ you took some wrong turns, got burned way too many times ♪♪
00:07:00	♪♪ and so you fall back with all that ♪♪
00:07:03	.. ♪♪
00:07:06	careful. ow.
00:07:07	this can't be happening again ♪♪
00:07:12	♪♪
00:07:14	♪♪ I can't take much more of this" ♪♪
00:07:16	♪♪ you put your time in, paid your dues ♪♪
00:07:19	♪♪ believe me, I know how you feel ♪♪
00:07:24	♪♪ I guess you gotta make a choice ♪♪
00:07:27	♪♪ when it hits the fan ♪♪
00:07:28	♪♪ you can get a little down or get a little mad ♪♪
00:07:31	♪♪ when there's stones in the road, only one thing to do ♪♪
00:07:35	♪♪ you gotta learn to walk with rocks in your shoes ♪♪
00:07:40	♪♪
00:07:42	♪♪♪♪
00:07:44	♪♪ ooh, ooh ♪♪
00:07:47	♪♪ I guess you gotta make a choice ♪♪
00:07:50	♪♪ when it hits the fan ♪♪
00:07:51	♪♪ you can get a little down or get a little mad ♪♪
00:07:55	♪♪ when there's stones in the road, only one thing to do ♪♪
00:07:59	♪♪ you gotta learn to walk with rocks in your shoes ♪♪
00:08:04	(crash) (cheering) Send us your f Savoringsat So warm, flaky; it may be the last time chipsand dip are invited back.
00:10:04	Savorings appetizersfrom Pillsbury.
00:10:10	a but I've got a warm, fresh baked strawberry toaster strudel.
00:10:15	See the difference?
00:10:18	Mmmm. I do.
00:10:21	(announcer)PILLSBURY TOASTER STRUDEL.
00:10:23	The one kids want to eat.
00:10:40	♪♪♪♪
00:10:43	(cheering) Sometimes, a basketball team changes cities, but they keep their old name even if it no longer makes any sense.
00:10:55	For example, last time I checked, los angeles didn't have too many lakes.
00:10:59	Utah ain't exactly a hotbed of jazz.
00:11:02	I don't know what city these basketballers are from, but I've got, uh, the perfect name for their team-- " after this layup, he'll have to lay down.
00:11:14	(boy) OH, SHOOT.
00:11:17	Are you all right?
00:11:20	(boy) NO WONDER.
00:11:22	I bet this sucks.
00:11:24	..
00:11:25	One's dribbling, and one's drooling.
00:11:28	(woman) ARE YOU GETTING THE BALL, ABBY?
00:11:31	Shoot it, coleman.
00:11:33	(laughs) OH!
00:11:35	Hey, pal, this is a "no bragging" court.
00:11:39	(man) YEAH!
00:11:41	(laughing) (man) I GOT IT ON VIDEO.
00:11:49	Violation again! come on.
00:11:52	(laughing) Number 747 gets it in the cockpit.
00:11:59	Ow!
00:12:01	(laughing) This forward is playing a little too forward.
00:12:11	Oh!
00:12:12	(shouting indistinctly) (man) WHOA.
00:12:17	(man) WE'VE ONLY GOT ABOUT TWO MINUTES LEFT, So we better get this one.
00:12:22	Forehead, 2 points.
00:12:25	(cheering) (man) I'M PRAYING YOU...
00:12:32	I don't know if this is a game changer, but it is a game ender.
00:12:38	(audience) OH!
00:12:44	Okay, here's the problem-- you've got infant quadruplets.
00:12:49	All four babies are crying. what do you do?
00:12:52	You could bounce them on your knee, but you'd need two more knees.
00:12:56	You--you could breast-feed 'em, but, well, you know, same problem.
00:12:59	There's only one solution that really makes sense-- put on some johnny cash.
00:13:05	(woman) ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS WANT TO HEAR Some johnny cash?
00:13:09	(crying) You want to hear johnny cash? okay.
00:13:13	(crying) ("Folsom Prison Blues" playing) Amazing.
00:13:19	.. ♪♪
00:13:21	♪♪ it's rollin' 'round the bend ♪♪
00:13:23	.. ♪♪ ♪♪
00:13:24	and I ain't seen the sunshine ♪♪
00:13:27	oh, it's not gonna work for very long for YOU. (crying) ♪♪♪♪
00:13:34	okay, we'll just play the first part.
00:13:37	♪♪ I hear the train a-comin' ♪♪
00:13:39	♪♪ it's rollin' 'round the bend ♪♪
00:13:42	.. ♪♪
00:13:45	hi, pius.
00:13:47	Hi, danna.
00:13:50	Hi, laine. hi, grumpy butt.
00:13:53	♪♪ I hear the train a-comin' ♪♪
00:13:55	♪♪ it's rollin' 'round the bend ♪♪
00:13:57	.. ♪♪
00:14:01	we all need to brush up on our table manners from time to time, so here are a few to keep in mind-- keep your elbows off the table, wait until everyone's served before you start eating, and if you find a hair in your food, discreetly place it back onto the head of the person to whom it belongs.
00:14:19	(laughter) BON APPéTIT.
00:14:21	(man) DO IT. THE TONGUE WAS...
00:14:24	Apparently, he's not a fan of flan.
00:14:28	(woman) COME ON. TWO SHAKES.
00:14:31	(laughter) (speaking in foreign language) Oh!
00:14:40	Considering she stuck her tongue in an electric mixer, she got off easy.
00:14:48	Oh!
00:14:49	(man speaking in foreign language) Here's a beagle with "counter" intelligence.
00:14:57	♪♪♪♪
00:15:05	(laughter) (woman) YEAH?
00:15:10	Tomato, ..
00:15:17	Pickles.
00:15:19	..
00:15:21	Yeah, just hold the relish and hold the table!
00:15:25	(laughter) Okay.
00:15:31	So much for the mess.
00:15:34	(giggling) That's what happens when he goes to squish.
00:15:38	IT DIDN'T FALL ON THE FLOOR, THOUGH. (man) I know.
00:15:41	(woman laughing) (growls) If there's one thing I've learned, it's don't mess with chi chi's corn.
00:15:52	(laughing) (growling) (woman) SHH.
00:16:00	(growling) (indistinct conversations) (man) WHOOPS.
00:16:08	(baby yells) What do you do when you drop a piece of cake on the floor?
00:16:13	Not for me. not for me!
00:16:15	Easy--pawn it off on the nearest officer.
00:16:21	Thank you so much. thank you. you're so nice.
00:16:25	Thank you.
00:16:27	This is a little, teeny tiny little apple.
00:16:32	Actually, it's a little teeny tiny little radish.
00:16:37	(man) IS THAT A RADISH?
00:16:40	(laughing) I don't like apples!
00:16:50	(woman) HERE, LET MOMMY HAVE IT.
00:16:54	(cheering) It is a well-known fact that oil and water don't mix.
00:17:01	In these next videos, people and water come a close second.
00:17:06	I'm getting a few bites.
00:17:10	(man) NICE WEATHER ANYWAY.
00:17:12	It's easy to see why these guys were outsmarted by the fish.
00:17:17	Oh!
00:17:19	Oh!
00:17:22	(shouting indistinctly) (laughing) (speaking in foreign language) I thought trolls were supposed to live under the bridge.
00:17:36	(speaking in a foreign language) (woman screams) (laughter) Hey! hey!
00:17:47	(people shouting) When it comes to logrolling, eventually everybody loses.
00:17:53	(cheering) OH! (laughter) (shouts) I'd like to get a picture of her, but she's got the camera.
00:18:10	It's the postmenopausal pirates of the caribbean.
00:18:15	Aah! aah!
00:18:18	(man laughs) (screams) I've got it! no, I've missed it!
00:18:30	Here's what happens when you take a bow off the bow.
00:18:33	(woman) GOOD, LAD. PULL IT IN.
00:18:36	(man) DON'T LOOK DOWN. DON'T LOOK DOWN!
00:18:39	DON'T LOOK DOWN. (murmurs) (laughter) Oh, he fell in! he just fell in!
00:18:47	He fell in!
00:18:50	(yelling) (laughter) I'm gonna get you!
00:18:56	As if cleaning the toilet didn't stink enough.
00:19:00	(giggling) (cheering) You know, sending in your funny video is only one way you can win around here.
00:19:12	If you enter the "afv" dream vacation sweepstakes, you could have the chance to win three years of family vacations at your choice of disney destinations or hundreds of other locations around the world courtesy of disney vacation club.
00:19:26	So stick around, 'cause later, we'll tell you how you can get in on the action.
00:19:30	Tonight, you havean opportunity to enterfor your chance to win the "afv" dream vacation sweepstakes.
00:19:36	You and your familycould enjoy vacations every year for the next three years courtesy of disney vacation club.
00:19:42	Imagine taking family vacations at destinations around the world, like the walt disney world resort in florida or the disneyland resortin california, the tropical beaches of hawaii, the caribbean and mexico or big city experiences in new york, london and paris.
00:19:58	The options are nearly endless because withdisney vacation club, you decide when and where to vacation at hundreds of destinations around the world.
00:20:06	And you'll select the type of accommodations to fit your needs, from a studiofor a weekend getaway to a spacious 3-bedroom villafor the entire family.
00:20:15	You at home could be on your way to making magical memories with disney vacation club.
00:20:19	Stay tuned to find out how you can enter the "afv" dream vacation sweepstakes.
00:21:04	♪♪♪♪
00:21:11	(announcer)TRY OUT A FEW DIFFERENT MOMS And get all of theextra mothering you need this coldand flu season.
00:21:26	THE KLEENEX VIRTUALMOMS AT getmommed.com.
00:24:19	♪♪♪♪
00:24:28	(announcer)"New Cookies Simply wholesome ingredientsand nothing more." Soft!
00:24:35	Hard!
00:24:35	How do you decide between crunchy and soft tacos?
00:24:39	Why don't we have both?
00:24:42	Old el paso.
00:24:43	Hard n soft tacos.
00:24:45	True genius.
00:24:46	Mexican style.
00:24:49	♪♪♪♪
00:24:55	you know, since I started doing this show, people recognize me wherever I go.
00:25:00	It's really amazing, though.
00:25:02	I get a range of reactions, and I love seeing the looks on their faces.
00:25:06	I get everything from elation to annoyance to terror.
00:25:11	you'll--you'll see what i mean.
00:25:14	(all) SURPRISE! (screams) (laughing) Aah!
00:25:25	(woman) WHERE IS IT?
00:25:27	(screams) (laughing) (yells) AAH!
00:25:37	(laughter) Aah!
00:25:42	(speaks indistinctly) (woman) ALL RIGHTY.
00:25:47	(coughs) Watch this. this is my barbie britney.
00:25:52	.. and...
00:25:55	(screams) (screams) THAT'S HIM!
00:25:59	(screams) Hey!
00:26:05	(yells) AAH!
00:26:09	(screaming) (laughter) ♪♪♪♪
00:26:19	(screams) (cries) (cheering) What'd I tell you?
00:26:31	All right, I'm gonna rest my oversized head on an oversized pillow.
00:26:36	You take a gander at these.
00:26:38	(man) YOU GUYS... THE PAIN WILL BE GONE Just about the time the unibrow grows back.
00:26:45	Ow!
00:26:47	The unibrow's gone!
00:26:50	..
00:26:52	Stop! come on. man, let me try.
00:26:54	(laughter) (girl) WELL, YOU'RE SHORT.
00:26:57	you're too old for this.
00:27:01	OW! (laughing) (man laughs) (woman) DO IT AGAIN, BABE. DO IT AGAIN.
00:27:13	One more time.
00:27:15	That's a dandelion and some really fancy eyeballs.
00:27:19	Blow!
00:27:21	And again, blow!
00:27:24	I'LL KEEP HOLDING HIM. (man) ...WHERE I Can get a crane.
00:27:33	Let me ask you, is it possible to get thrown off a horse before you even get on?
00:27:39	(horse neighs) OH!
00:27:41	Oh, are you okay?
00:27:43	(woman) OH! I'M OKAY.
00:27:45	Even when she's outside, she wastes time on the net.
00:27:49	(man) WHOA! (woman) OH, NO, NO!
00:27:51	(speaking in foreign language) (singing "Away In a Manger") Hey, kid, I think they want you to sing lower.
00:28:04	(laughter) (girl) MOM! SHE'S GOING OUT FOR A NIGHT ON The town.
00:28:12	Her shoe is going to stay home.
00:28:14	OH! (laughing) he's trying to break that piñata on the tree so nobody gets hurt.
00:28:27	OH! (man) OH, MY...
00:28:29	(laughter) (cheering) Yeah.
00:28:38	Have you ever been so frustrated you just want to pull out your hair?
00:28:42	Then there are moments you just want to pull out someone else's hair? here's a little of each.
00:28:49	..
00:28:57	OW! (woman) OH, YOU'VE GOT HIS HAIR!
00:29:00	Oh, ow!
00:29:01	(child) THERE'S QUICKSAND DOWN HERE.
00:29:07	OW, OW! (laughing) (laughter) (woman speaks indistinctly) (woman) OH, DID SOMEBODY GET HIM GOING?
00:29:33	Oh!
00:29:36	(laughter) Ow!
00:29:50	(cries) (woman) CAITLIN, CAITLIN.
00:29:53	(man) CAITLIN. NO.
00:29:59	OH! (laughs) Oh, I thinki've got a bite!
00:30:09	(laughing) ♪♪♪♪
00:30:17	ow!
00:30:19	Ooh, ow!
00:30:22	..
00:30:27	(cheering) I I've got some catchphrases that'll make these savings even more memorable.
00:30:42	..
00:30:44	now that's ..?
00:30:45	Boss: how 'bout this?
00:30:48	..they're the bee's knees?
00:30:49	Boss: or this?
00:30:52	sir, how 'bout just "fifteen minutes could save you " ha, yeah, good luck with that catching on!
00:30:58	fifteen minutescould save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
00:31:04	♪♪ ♪♪
00:31:05	♪♪
00:31:17	we're opening more lanes than ever, to make christmas shopping easier.
00:31:22	And with unbeatableprices,christmas costs less at walmart.
00:31:27	Save money. live better.walmart.
00:31:35	morning bob.
00:31:37	(phone ring) Good morning, scott tissue.
00:31:39	Can everyone hear me?
00:31:41	Uh, just barely.
00:31:42	Great, let's get started.
00:31:43	Surprise!
00:31:45	You guys!
00:31:46	(announcer)NOW SCOTT EXTRA SOFT TISSUE HAS A new design, and it's oursoftest ever.
00:31:51	And one mega rollhas more sheets than four of thecompetitions regular rolls.
00:31:55	Wow!
00:31:56	This is really soft!
00:31:59	New guy.
00:32:00	(announcer) NEW SCOTT ..
00:32:02	Softness done right!
00:32:35	Jeep.
00:32:37	♪♪♪♪
00:32:37	knowing that, every day,i have a choice to make.
00:32:42	..
00:32:45	And occasionally,my back.
00:32:48	♪♪♪♪
00:32:49	or, I can greedily,rightfully, ize every ticking moment andnever give one of them back.
00:32:58	♪♪♪♪
00:33:00	I live. I ride. I am.
00:33:03	Jeep.
00:33:10	♪♪♪♪
00:33:13	okay, it is time to introduce " now one is known for consuming massive amounts of beer and bratwurst, and the other has a different way of making you feel sick.
00:33:27	(bell dings) TONIGHT, ON "VERSUS," The germans are up first and, boy, do they love their beer!
00:33:42	Das ist gut!
00:33:44	But the germ's power is contagious.
00:33:47	(sneezes) GESUNDHEIT.
00:33:50	(laughter) The germans decide to follow the ledfrhosen.
00:33:58	Ich bin ein berliner.
00:34:01	(audience) OH!
00:34:03	But the germs can practically taste victory.
00:34:08	Mmm, mmm, good!
00:34:10	(audience) OHH!
00:34:12	..
00:34:16	Jawohl!
00:34:19	(laughter) (woman) HEY, MADISON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
00:34:24	And the germs get a hepatitis "a" for effort.
00:34:27	What are you doing, baby?
00:34:30	(audience) OH!
00:34:31	(speaking in foreign language) Eins, zwei, drei--wet!
00:34:37	(laughter) The germs are ready to boogie.
00:34:43	(indistinct conversations) (audience) OH!
00:34:48	The germans make one last blitz.
00:34:51	(laughter) That's gonna leave a deutsch mark.
00:34:55	(bell dings) AND THE WINNER IS...
00:34:59	Germs!
00:35:01	(laughter) Join us next week ..
00:35:12	" (cheering) (laughs) I thought I'd help out our single viewers by combining video dating and speed dating " I show you videos of people, single people, doing such goofy and moronic things that by the end of the night, you're glad that you are single.
00:35:34	You're welcome.
00:35:36	He lets go of the rope, but the rope doesn't let go of him.
00:35:41	(woman) HE'S--OH! (shouting) WHOO-HOO! (laughing) ♪♪♪♪
00:35:53	..
00:35:54	Too much eggnog-in' leads to a sore noggin.
00:36:04	(laughter) ♪♪♪♪
00:36:12	(laughter) Winston is a smart dog.
00:36:43	1 Trick gets him 14 treats.
00:36:46	(laughter) (woman) GET 'EM.
00:36:57	Okay, just don't go one-handed.
00:37:00	One-handed!
00:37:02	(woman gasps) It's "extreme home makeover: " (laughter) (woman) OH!
00:37:14	JOE. (laughs) Look at those nice houses.
00:37:22	I wonder which one he'll be recovering in.
00:37:26	(man) OH!
00:37:29	Are you all right? yeah.
00:37:31	You sure? yeah.
00:37:36	(boy) THAT ONE WAS EASY.
00:37:38	He's gonna stop the bullies from picking on him at school by making them laugh.
00:37:46	(man laughs) (laughter) ♪♪♪♪
00:37:56	in the world of sports, a decathlon represents ten events in which an athlete competes.
00:38:02	A pentathlon is five events.
00:38:04	A triathlon, of course, is three.
00:38:06	And then there are those who can't even finish one event.
00:38:10	So please enjoy our tribute " ("Opening Ceremony" playing) (man) THERE! (man) WHOO!
00:38:40	(man shouts indistinctly) (woman) OH, OH!
00:38:50	♪♪♪♪
00:39:00	(shouting) (whistle blows) ♪♪♪♪
00:39:16	you must be wondering p way.
00:40:06	vacation.
00:40:07	Someone needs to lighten up.
00:40:08	( women sing )♪♪ PRICELINE NEGOTIATOR! ♪♪
00:40:14	( coughs ) - NO VACATION? - ( laughing ) I CAN'T AFFORD It.
00:40:18	You can if you name your own price.
00:40:20	- I don't know how. - it's easy.
00:40:22	Priceline hasinsider deals-- empty hotel rooms,open plane seats.
00:40:26	( laughing )YOU CAN SAVE UP TO HALF OFF!
00:40:28	That's a great deal!
00:40:30	SAVING MONEY IS NO LAUGHING MATTER. ( laughs ) (announcer) that but imagine if you could get that dentist smooth clean feeling every time you brush at home.
00:40:42	♪♪♪♪
00:40:46	you can, with oral-b rechargeable brushes.
00:40:48	Dentist inspired cupping action surrounds each tooth to remove up to twice as much plaque as a regular manual brush.
00:40:54	The power of a dentist smooth clean feeling every day.
00:40:57	Oral-b rechargeable brushes.
00:40:59	Starting at $22.
00:41:01	Satisfaction guaranteed.
00:41:02	VISIT oral-b.com FOR DETAILS.
00:41:38	buy750 water.
00:41:41	Or just onebrita faucet filter.
00:41:45	- ( plinks )-BRITA.
00:41:46	Better for the environmentand your wallet.
00:41:51	signof cold...
00:41:52	( sneezing ) I didn't takeZicam Cold Remedy...
00:41:55	But I did.
00:41:56	Can you do it by 3:00 ?
00:41:57	Yes, I can-- how about 2:00 ?
00:42:00	Hmm...
00:42:01	Get over your cold faster.
00:42:06	it?
00:42:06	- but no one could get it. - I got it!
00:42:09	WE GOT IT WITH Kmart LAYAWAY.
00:42:10	I GOT IT WITH Kmart LAYAWAY.
00:42:11	Shop now, put a little down,pay a little ..
00:42:14	And pick up everythingbefore christmas.
00:42:16	You got it on layaway.
00:42:17	THERE'S SMART,AND THERE'S Kmart SMART.
00:42:21	♪♪♪♪
00:42:26	(man) WHOO! OKAY.
00:42:28	Now we are going to do a background check on some of the people on our show, and don't worry, we're not going to go through their trash.
00:42:35	We're just going to look in the background of their videos.
00:42:38	You try it, too.
00:42:40	(cheering) THEIR PHOTOGRAPHER .. of the grass.
00:42:45	WHOA! (laughing) (woman) AND HERE COMES...
00:42:50	Hey, grandpa, you're retired.
00:42:52	Couldn't you take two trips down the driveway?
00:42:56	Whoa!
00:42:58	Stupid--oh, the idiot.
00:43:00	What's he think he's doing?
00:43:02	Are you hurt?
00:43:04	You have to spoil everything, don't you?
00:43:06	I know who isn't going to get an m.v.p. trophy.
00:43:13	(applause) You have to get the basket in.
00:43:20	Come on, guys.
00:43:22	she's on fire, and so is her house.
00:43:26	DID YOU GET IT? (woman) YEAH, I GOT IT, I got it. do it again.
00:43:29	You're burning your house!
00:43:32	What? what's happening?
00:43:35	I can't believe it!
00:43:36	(woman) JUST GET AWAY, GLORIA. GLORIA!
00:43:41	.. is that what it was?
00:43:44	(kid) I DON'T KNOW. I WASN'T COOKING.
00:43:48	(speaks in foreign language) (woman) WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THAT TREADMILL Anyway?
00:43:53	You gonna work out? yes.
00:43:55	Get ready for wrestling? yeah.
00:43:57	Conditioning, get your heart thumping.
00:44:00	Yep.
00:44:02	God, you're getting so big, man.
00:44:05	Whoa!
00:44:07	(laughing) OW, MY BUTT!
00:44:10	(woman) AUBREY! WHAT?
00:44:11	That's what little sisters are made for.
00:44:12	My butt!
00:44:15	..
00:44:18	He's practicing his first confession, but his brother is the one with something to confess.
00:44:23	Not obeying my parents, not listening.
00:44:29	(woman laughs) Tonight, they're going to toss some cookies tonight, on our "salute to stupidity," we tip our hats to the burglars in texas-- and this is true, by the way-- who broke into a store that sold high-tech security equipment.
00:44:45	Unfortunately for them, their crime was captured on 17 surveillance cameras!
00:44:50	We dedicate these clips to you dumb guys and hope you enjoy watching them from the comfort of your cell.
00:44:58	(engine rumbles) (barking) (engine stops) Planks for nothing!
00:45:11	(laughter) (speaking in foreign langue) Here's a changeup-- a tot drops his mom off at the park.
00:45:26	(laughter) (speaking in foreign language) Go get 'em.
00:45:32	The dog raked those leaves.
00:45:35	He can do whatever he wants with them.
00:45:36	What'd you do, coop? what you doing?
00:45:39	(woman) COOPER! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO JUMP Over?
00:45:43	This explains how dave got that fresh pine scent.
00:45:48	Whoo!
00:45:50	(laughter) (man) OH, NO! NO!
00:45:56	Don't they know cats prefer cardigans?
00:46:00	(laughter) So this is the bridge to nowhere everyone's talking about.
00:46:07	(woman) SHE'S GONNA FALL. (screams) (laughing) NO. (man) DID YOU GET A PICTURE OF THAT?
00:46:18	Ow. go away!
00:46:21	Ow!
00:46:22	Careful, kid, you gotta protect those puppies.
00:46:26	Ow! ow!
00:46:28	(man laughs) Get out of the way!
00:46:36	Get out of the way!
00:46:38	(laughing) (cheering) @@@úúúúppppxxxx÷÷x÷NANCY'S HOSTING HER FIRST Thanksgiving.
00:46:49	So she turned to target to get it all for a low price.
00:46:51	She expects her in-laws will be thankful it feels like home.
00:46:58	She expects, with practice, her flair for fall will be flawless.
00:47:06	And thanks to target's great prices, she'll get everything she needs to make her first thanksgiving memorable for all.
00:47:14	Target.
00:47:14	Expect more. pay less.
00:47:17	getting out of bed in the morning because my back hurt so bad.
00:47:21	The Sleep Number bed conforms to you.
00:47:23	I wake up in the morning with no back pain.
00:47:24	I can adjust it if I need to...
00:47:26	if my back's a little more sore.
00:47:27	And by the time I get up in the morning, I feel great!
00:47:30	If you have back pain, toss and turn at night or wake up tired with no energy, the Sleep Number bed could be your solution.
00:47:38	The Sleep Number bed's secret is it's air chambers which provide ideal support and put you in control of the firmness.
00:47:45	And the bed is perfect for couples because each side adjusts independently to their unique Sleep Number.
00:47:52	Here's what clinical research has found: - 93% of participants experienced back-pain relief.
00:47:58	- 90% reported reduced aches and pains.
00:48:01	- 87% fell asleep faster and enjoyed more deep sleep.
00:48:06	For study summaries, call this number now.
00:48:08	We'll include a Free DVD and brochure about the Sleep Number bed including prices, and models plus a FREE $50 savings Card.
00:48:17	And how about this?
00:48:18	Steel springs can cause uncomfortable pressure points.
00:48:21	But the Sleep Number bed contours to your body.
00:48:24	Imagine how good you'll feel when your muscles relax and you fall into a deep sleep!
00:48:29	I'm not just a back surgeon, I'm also a back patient.
00:48:34	I sleep on the Sleep Number bed myself and I highly recommend it to all of my patients.
00:48:39	Need another reason to call?
00:48:41	The Sleep Number bed costs about the same as an innerspring but lasts twice as long.
00:48:46	So if you want to sleep better or find relief for your bad back, call now.
00:48:51	Call the number on your screen for your free information kit with DVD, brochure and price list.
00:48:58	Call right now and you'll also receive a $50 savings card just for inquiring about the Sleep Number bed.
00:49:06	Ask about our Risk-Free 30-night in-home trial.
00:49:11	Call now for your FREE information kit and a FREE $50 savings card.
00:49:16	Call now!
00:49:17	@@ ♪♪♪♪
00:49:50	(cheers and applause) Okay, now it's time to put our money where our mouth is and give away some cash.
00:50:00	First up, "loose on linoleum" sent in by darcy sawyer and family FROM LOCKE, NEW YORK. (cheering) (barking) (laughter) (barking) (cheers and applause) The next contender for tonight's 10 grand giveaway is "cash for quads" sent in by the graf family from goddard, kansas.
00:50:30	(cheering) (crying) (woman) YOU WANT TO HEAR JOHNNY CASH? OKAY.
00:50:37	(crying) ("Folsom Prison Blues" playing) AMAZING. (cheers and applause) And here's their competition for the big money.
00:50:48	Let's meet our final finalist, "radish regret" sent in by bob shine from wimberley, texas.
00:50:55	(cheering) (laughing) (man) IS THAT A RADISH?
00:51:03	(laughing) (cheers and applause) All right, our audience has seen the three nominees.
00:51:16	It is time to vote now.
00:51:18	(beeping) AND WHILE WE TALLY THE VOTES, Let's pay tribute to some of tonight's other stellar videos, our honorable mentions.
00:51:28	(bird squawking) (crash, screech) (motor revs) (metal rattling) Ohh!
00:51:42	Ow!
00:51:44	(boing, boing) (bouncing sound) ♪♪♪♪
00:51:55	(pinging) (cheers and applause) All right, now the results of our voting.
00:52:04	Our third place $2,000 winner is "cash for quads" sent in by the graf family from goddard, kansas.
00:52:13	(cheering) And the winner of the $10,000 and tonight's funniest home video is "radish regret" sent in by bob shine from wimberley, texas.
00:52:27	We've got dad bob. we've got mom tess.
00:52:31	Hello, bob. hey.
00:52:32	Hello, tess. hi, it's nice to see you.
00:52:34	What have you done with the little girl oh, my gosh, look how she's grown.
00:52:39	Hi, julien. hi.
00:52:40	How old are you now? I'm 20.
00:52:42	how old were you when you ate the radish-appl I was 2.
00:52:46	2.
00:52:46	Now this isn't a video we've had lying around for 18 years.
00:52:49	You just sent it in recently, right?
00:52:51	Why did you keep it to yourself for so long?
00:52:54	I didn't-- I saw--i didn't see it.
00:52:56	There were too many of 'em to deal with.
00:52:57	Oh, really?
00:52:58	I've gotta ask, uh, do you like radishes now?
00:53:01	uh, I haven't had 'em in a long time, but yeah, last time I tried a radish I liked it. yeah.
00:53:07	I did. oh, okay.
00:53:08	..
00:53:09	Wow!
00:53:11	.. thank you.
00:53:13	And we'll see you on the $100,000 show.
00:53:13	Thanks.
00:53:15	Don't leave your videos lying around so long!
00:53:16	Yeah.
00:53:19	(cheering) That's it for tonight, but that's not it for our videos.
00:53:28	We'll be back with more brand-new ones soon.
00:53:30	Until then, remember, if you get it on video, send it in eventually, won't you?
00:53:35	You could get it in cash.
00:53:37	Good night, everybody.
00:53:40	♪♪♪♪
00:53:41	@@@@@úúúppppxxxx÷÷÷÷ making the perfect holiday pie requires one skill the ability to gracefully accept compliments @ irresistible"Cinnabon" of PillsburyCinnamon Rolls Bring everyone to thetable in their Sunday best morning bob.
00:55:29	(phone ring) Good morning, scott tissue.
00:55:31	Can everyone hear me?
00:55:33	Uh, just barely.
00:55:35	Great, let's get started.
00:55:36	Surprise!
00:55:38	You guys!
00:55:39	(announcer)NOW SCOTT EXTRA SOFT TISSUE HAS A new design, and it's oursoftest ever.
00:55:43	And one mega rollhas more sheets than four of thecompetitions regular rolls.
00:55:48	Wow!
00:55:48	This is really soft!
00:55:51	New guy.
00:55:53	(announcer) NEW SCOTT ..
00:55:55	Softness done right!
00:56:43	doctor you!
00:56:47	I've got good news. you need more fiber.
00:56:50	Huh? don't worry, it tastes great.
00:56:52	Froot loops now with 3 grams of fiber.
00:56:54	It makes your tummy happy so it can absorb the good stuff you need, which your mom is gonna love.
00:57:01	It does taste great.
00:57:02	Fiber is a great wayto keep ya healthy.
00:57:05	I can neverread these things.
00:57:07	Kellogg's froot loopsand apple jacks cereals, now provide fiber.
00:57:10	Kellogg's makes fiber fun.
00:58:01	Before we write anything online.
00:58:03	>> Rob blagojevich may have messed up nomination and the february balance lateral is at

Word Map

great sent speaks WITH girl take LOOK show cheering last vacation announcer language come bell laughing family first time Kmart know reindeer woman need gonna speaking laughs screaming This OKAY screams video make look foreign people christmas cash want Okay going Yeah laughter jingle home good Whoa What audience indistinctly applause barking Sleep WHOA love Number like right think stop

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