| 00:00:00 | Or stop waxing the floor.
|
| 00:00:02 | (barking)
(laughter)
(barking)
(laughs) MOVE!
|
| 00:00:16 | I'm not sure, but I hope this is a stunt
granny.
|
| 00:00:19 | OH! (laughter)
(speaking in foreign language)
Apparently, elmo's world
has been turned upside down!
|
| 00:00:35 | (woman laughs) YOU LOOK SO GOOFY!
|
| 00:00:38 | (man speaks indistinctly)
Mama!
|
| 00:00:42 | Dada. mama. dada, dada!
|
| 00:00:45 | Dada!
|
| 00:00:47 | (coos)
(girls laughing)
It's the last run of the day,
not for him-- for that little girl.
|
| 00:00:57 | (woman laughs) OH, SPENCER!
|
| 00:00:59 | (screams) OH, NO!
|
| 00:01:01 | (man laughs) OH, SPENCER!
|
| 00:01:03 | --
a weapon of mass drenching.
|
| 00:01:09 | (kids) OHH!
|
| 00:01:12 | (laughing)
steep--
lucky this tree stops his slide
and his dreams of becoming a father.
|
| 00:01:24 | (laughter)
(cheering)
YOU KNOW, EVERY PRESIDENT... (man) WHOO!
|
| 00:01:34 | In the last century has had a dog.
|
| 00:01:36 | Now you may have heard recently, president
bush's dog barney
bit a reporter.
|
| 00:01:42 | President clinton's dog buddy
once ate an entire box of a reporter's doughnuts.
|
| 00:01:45 | THESE ARE ALL TRUE THINGS. (laughter)
Presidt ford took his labrador out
to do his "business" one night.
|
| 00:01:51 | President ford locked himself out of the
white house.
|
| 00:01:54 | Teddy roosevelt's terrier pete
chased the french ambassador through the
rose garden,
cho--chewed a big hole in his pants.
|
| 00:01:59 | Now these next pooches may not be the first
dog,
but they're first in our book.
|
| 00:02:09 | It's more fun than when you usually
use a shovel after your dog.
|
| 00:02:15 | (laughter)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:02:24 | when a tail meets a tailpipe.
|
| 00:02:28 | (laughter)
(growling)
So this is what they do when they're not
playing poker.
|
| 00:02:48 | (laughter)
(man) THERE WE GO.
|
| 00:02:57 | Don't you bite me.
|
| 00:02:59 | Here's how you can take your dog for a walk
without ever leaving the comfort of your
chair.
|
| 00:03:07 | (speaks indistinctly)
..
|
| 00:03:11 | (man) SMILE, TARA. BIG SMILE.
|
| 00:03:14 | Big smile, tara. come on.
|
| 00:03:16 | Come on, tara, smile.
|
| 00:03:19 | Give me a smile.
|
| 00:03:21 | Tara, give me a smile.
|
| 00:03:22 | Tara, give me a smile.
|
| 00:03:24 | look at that
smile!
|
| 00:03:27 | I don't know what that dog is digging for,
but I'll bet he finds a bath.
|
| 00:03:35 | (laughter)
(cheering)
You know, some people love to be scared.
|
| 00:03:50 | They can't get enough of horror movies,
haunted houses or even worse,
they can't stop checking their stock portfolio.
|
| 00:03:57 | For others, getting a fright
is far from a delight.
|
| 00:04:01 | I don't know who's more afraid--
the cat, the rat or the lady.
|
| 00:04:07 | See it? see it?
|
| 00:04:09 | Whoa! whoa! whoa!
|
| 00:04:12 | Whoa!
|
| 00:04:17 | There is no snooze button
on an alarm pot.
|
| 00:04:23 | (clanging)
(laughing)
That's not the real troy aikman,
but it is a real snake.
|
| 00:04:38 | (girl) LOOK OUT!
|
| 00:04:40 | (laughing)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:04:49 | stop!
|
| 00:04:52 | I've got a real bad back!
|
| 00:04:57 | (woman) SAY SOMETHING TO THE CAMERA.
|
| 00:05:00 | "
"
spider-man. that's spider-man?
|
| 00:05:06 | Spider-man. look at daddy.
|
| 00:05:08 | YOU'RE THE MAN? ARE YOU THE MAN? AAH! (crying)
Why don't you just, like, rip it?
|
| 00:05:14 | I don't know what kind of car he wanted,
but he got a viper.
|
| 00:05:20 | (screams) (laughter)
OKAY. (hisses)
(hisses) NO, WASH TIME.
|
| 00:05:31 | (continues hissing) OH, CAN YOU GRAB ME THE,
..
|
| 00:05:34 | She needs some soap, a towel
and a needle and thread.
|
| 00:05:40 | The, um, blue thing.
|
| 00:05:43 | What--oh, man!
|
| 00:05:45 | (laughter)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:05:55 | you know, "girl crazy"
usually describes a boy who can't stop thinking
about girls,
but for this next montage,
it's a question and an answer--
girl? crazy.
|
| 00:06:08 | (Emily) ♪♪ SO YOU HAD SOME BAD LUCK ♪♪
|
| 00:06:09 | ♪♪ Life sucks, can't do nothin' right ♪♪
|
| 00:06:11 | ♪♪ you took some wrong turns, got burned
way too many times ♪♪
|
| 00:06:16 | ♪♪ and so you fall back with all that ♪♪
|
| 00:06:18 | .. ♪♪
|
| 00:06:22 | careful. ow.
|
| 00:06:23 | this can't
be happening again ♪♪
|
| 00:06:27 | ♪♪
|
| 00:06:29 | ♪♪ I can't take much more of this" ♪♪
|
| 00:06:31 | ♪♪ you put your time in, paid your dues ♪♪
|
| 00:06:34 | ♪♪ believe me, I know how you feel ♪♪
|
| 00:06:39 | ♪♪ I guess you gotta make a choice ♪♪
|
| 00:06:42 | ♪♪ when it hits the fan ♪♪
|
| 00:06:44 | ♪♪ you can get a little down or get a little
mad ♪♪
|
| 00:06:47 | ♪♪ when there's stones in the road, only
one thing to do ♪♪
|
| 00:06:51 | ♪♪ you gotta learn to walk with rocks in
your shoes ♪♪
|
| 00:06:56 | ♪♪
|
| 00:06:58 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:07:00 | ♪♪ ooh, ooh ♪♪
|
| 00:07:03 | ♪♪ I guess you gotta make a choice ♪♪
|
| 00:07:06 | ♪♪ when it hits the fan ♪♪
|
| 00:07:07 | ♪♪ you can get a little down or get a little
mad ♪♪
|
| 00:07:11 | ♪♪ when there's stones in the road, only
one thing to do ♪♪
|
| 00:07:14 | ♪♪ you gotta learn to walk with rocks in
your shoes ♪♪
|
| 00:07:19 | (crash)
(cheering)
SEND US YOUR F÷ñ?í í?ñ/ícñ íGísñ "(1@0
hi!
|
| 00:07:31 | get
that's yours.
|
| 00:07:35 | - you can
get out.
|
| 00:07:40 | Hi. what can I get for this?
|
| 00:07:42 | ..
|
| 00:07:44 | With all the amenities in a meaty, melty
McDOUBLE.
|
| 00:07:47 | OR MAYBE AN irresistible McChicken, golden
fries,
..
|
| 00:07:53 | That are always here for you.
|
| 00:07:54 | - Eh? - wow!
|
| 00:07:55 | THE DOLLAR MENU.EVERY DAY, ONLY at McDonald's.
|
| 00:07:58 | ♪♪ Ba da ba ba ba ♪♪
|
| 00:08:00 | nancy's hosting her first thanksgiving.
|
| 00:08:02 | So she turned to target to get it all for
a low price.
|
| 00:08:04 | She expects her in-laws will be thankful
it feels like home.
|
| 00:08:11 | She expects, with practice, her flair for
fall
will be flawless.
|
| 00:08:19 | And thanks to target's great prices, she'll
get
everything she needs to make her first
thanksgiving memorable for all.
|
| 00:08:27 | Target.
|
| 00:08:28 | Expect more. pay less.
|
| 00:09:03 | I
I've
got some catchphrases that'll
make these savings even more memorable.
|
| 00:09:08 | ..
|
| 00:09:10 | now that's
..?
|
| 00:09:11 | Boss: how 'bout this?
|
| 00:09:14 | ..they're the bee's knees?
|
| 00:09:15 | Boss: or this?
|
| 00:09:18 | sir, how 'bout just "fifteen minutes
could save you
"
ha, yeah, good luck with that catching
on!
|
| 00:09:24 | fifteen minutescould save you
fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
|
| 00:10:01 | child
I'm nervous about her going away.
|
| 00:10:03 | (Sunny) THE BAYER METER HELPS ME BECOME
More independent.
|
| 00:10:06 | (announcer) ONLY BAYER'S CONTOUR METER
Has programmable personal
high low settings.
|
| 00:10:10 | I want you to be happy.
|
| 00:10:12 | Don't cry.
|
| 00:10:13 | (announcer)THE CONTOUR METER,
Only from bayer.
|
| 00:10:16 | Kmart
wait, christmas? didn't we just carve pumpkins?
|
| 00:10:19 | - They have layaway! - genius.
|
| 00:10:22 | EXCLUSIVE Kmart LAYAWAY!
|
| 00:10:23 | Get the hottest giftson your list now,
pay a little each week and pickthem up in
the nick of time.
|
| 00:10:28 | THERE'S SMART,AND THERE'S Kmart SMART.
|
| 00:10:31 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:10:34 | (cheering)
Sometimes,
a basketball team changes cities,
but they keep their old name
even if it no longer makes any sense.
|
| 00:10:46 | For example, last time I checked,
los angeles didn't have tooany lakes.
|
| 00:10:50 | Utah ain't exactly a hotbed of jazz.
|
| 00:10:53 | I don't know what city these basketballers
are from,
but I've got, uh, the perfect name for their
team--
"
after this layup,
he'll have to lay down.
|
| 00:11:05 | (boy) OH, SHOOT.
|
| 00:11:08 | Are you all right?
|
| 00:11:11 | (boy) NO WONDER.
|
| 00:11:13 | I bet this sucks.
|
| 00:11:15 | ..
|
| 00:11:16 | One's dribbling, and one's drooling.
|
| 00:11:19 | (woman) ARE YOU GETTING THE BALL, ABBY?
|
| 00:11:22 | Shoot it, coleman.
|
| 00:11:24 | (laughs) OH!
|
| 00:11:26 | Hey, pal, this is a "no bragging" court.
|
| 00:11:30 | (man) YEAH!
|
| 00:11:32 | (laughing)
(man) I GOT IT ON VIDEO.
|
| 00:11:40 | Violation again! come on.
|
| 00:11:43 | (laughing)
Number 747 gets it in the cockpit.
|
| 00:11:50 | Ow!
|
| 00:11:52 | (laughing)
This forward is playing a little too forward.
|
| 00:12:02 | Oh!
|
| 00:12:03 | (shouting indistinctly)
(man) WHOA.
|
| 00:12:08 | (man) WE'VE ONLY GOT ABOUT TWO MINUTES LEFT,
So we better get this one.
|
| 00:12:12 | Forehead, 2 points.
|
| 00:12:16 | (cheering)
(man) I'M PRAYING YOU...
|
| 00:12:23 | I don't know if this is a game changer,
but it is a game ender.
|
| 00:12:29 | (audience) OH!
|
| 00:12:35 | Okay, here's the problem--
you've got infant quadruplets.
|
| 00:12:40 | All four babies are crying. what do you do?
|
| 00:12:43 | You could bounce them on your knee,
but you'd need two more knees.
|
| 00:12:47 | You--you could breast-feed 'em,
but, well, you know, same problem.
|
| 00:12:50 | There's only one solution that really makes
sense--
put on some johnny cash.
|
| 00:12:56 | (woman) ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS WANT TO HEAR
Some johnny cash?
|
| 00:13:00 | (crying)
You want to hear johnny cash? okay.
|
| 00:13:04 | (crying)
("Folsom Prison Blues" playing)
Amazing.
|
| 00:13:10 | .. ♪♪
|
| 00:13:12 | ♪♪ it's rollin' 'round the bend
♪♪
|
| 00:13:14 | .. ♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:13:15 | and I ain't seen the sunshine ♪♪
|
| 00:13:18 | oh, it's not gonna work for very long for
YOU. (crying)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:13:25 | okay, we'll just play the first part.
|
| 00:13:28 | ♪♪ I hear the train a-comin' ♪♪
|
| 00:13:30 | ♪♪ it's rollin' 'round the bend ♪♪
|
| 00:13:32 | .. ♪♪
|
| 00:13:35 | hi, pius.
|
| 00:13:38 | Hi, danna.
|
| 00:13:41 | Hi, laine. hi, grumpy butt.
|
| 00:13:44 | ♪♪ I hear the train a-comin' ♪♪
|
| 00:13:46 | ♪♪ it's rollin' 'round the bend ♪♪
|
| 00:13:48 | .. ♪♪
|
| 00:13:51 | we all need to brush up
on our table manners from time to time,
so here are a few to keep in mind--
keep your elbows off the table,
wait until everyone's served before you start
eating,
and if you find a hair in your food,
discreetly place it back onto the head of
the person
to whom it belongs.
|
| 00:14:10 | (laughter) BON APPéTIT.
|
| 00:14:12 | (man) DO IT. THE TONGUE WAS...
|
| 00:14:15 | Apparently, he's not a fan of flan.
|
| 00:14:19 | (woman) COME ON. TWO SHAKES.
|
| 00:14:22 | (laughter)
(speaking in foreign language)
Oh!
|
| 00:14:31 | Considering she stuck her tongue in an electric
mixer,
she got off easy.
|
| 00:14:38 | Oh!
|
| 00:14:40 | (man speaking in foreign language)
Here's a beagle
with "counter" intelligence.
|
| 00:14:48 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:14:56 | (laughter)
(woman) YEAH?
|
| 00:15:01 | Tomato,
..
|
| 00:15:08 | Pickles.
|
| 00:15:10 | ..
|
| 00:15:12 | Yeah, just hold the relish and hold the table!
|
| 00:15:16 | (laughter)
Okay.
|
| 00:15:21 | So much for the mess.
|
| 00:15:25 | (giggling)
That's what happens when he goes to squish.
|
| 00:15:29 | IT DIDN'T FALL ON THE FLOOR, THOUGH. (man)
I know.
|
| 00:15:32 | (woman laughing)
(growls)
If there's one thing I've learned,
it's don't mess with chi chi's corn.
|
| 00:15:43 | (laughing)
(growling)
(woman) SHH.
|
| 00:15:51 | (growling)
(indistinct conversations)
(man) WHOOPS.
|
| 00:15:59 | (baby yells)
What do you do when you drop a piece of cake
on the floor?
|
| 00:16:04 | Not for me. not for me!
|
| 00:16:06 | Easy--pawn it off on the nearest officer.
|
| 00:16:12 | Thank you so much. thank you. you're so nice.
|
| 00:16:16 | Thank you.
|
| 00:16:18 | This is a little, teeny tiny
little apple.
|
| 00:16:22 | Actually, it's a little teeny tiny
little radish.
|
| 00:16:28 | (man) IS THAT A RADISH?
|
| 00:16:31 | (laughing)
I don't like apples!
|
| 00:16:41 | (woman) HERE, LET MOMMY HAVE IT.
|
| 00:16:45 | (cheering)
It is a well-known fact
that oil and water don't mix.
|
| 00:16:52 | In these next videos, people and water
come a close second.
|
| 00:16:57 | I'm getting a few bites.
|
| 00:17:01 | (man) NICE WEATHER ANYWAY.
|
| 00:17:03 | It's easy to see why these guys
were outsmarted by the fish.
|
| 00:17:08 | Oh!
|
| 00:17:10 | Oh!
|
| 00:17:13 | (shouting indistinctly) (laughing)
(speaking in foreign language)
I thought trolls
were supposed to live under the bridge.
|
| 00:17:27 | (speaking in a foreign language)
(woman screams) (laughter)
Hey! hey!
|
| 00:17:38 | (people shouting)
When it comes to logrolling, eventually everybody
loses.
|
| 00:17:44 | (cheering)
OH! (laughter)
(shouts)
I'd like to get a picture of her,
but she's got the camera.
|
| 00:18:01 | It's the postmenopausal
pirates of the caribbean.
|
| 00:18:06 | Aah! aah!
|
| 00:18:08 | (man laughs)
(screams)
I've got it! no, I've missed it!
|
| 00:18:21 | Here's what happens
when you take a bow off the bow.
|
| 00:18:24 | (woman) GOOD, LAD. PULL IT IN.
|
| 00:18:27 | (man) DON'T LOOK DOWN. DON'T LOOK DOWN!
|
| 00:18:30 | DON'T LOOK DOWN. (murmurs)
(laughter)
Oh, he fell in! he just fell in!
|
| 00:18:37 | He fell in!
|
| 00:18:41 | (yelling)
(laughter)
I'm gonna get you!
|
| 00:18:47 | As if cleaning the toilet didn't stink enough.
|
| 00:18:51 | (giggling)
(cheering)
You know,
sending in your funny video
is only one way you can win around here.
|
| 00:19:03 | If you enter the "afv" dream vacation sweepstakes,
you could have the chance to win
three years of family vacations
at your choice of disney destinations
or hundreds of other locations around the
world
courtesy of disney vacation club.
|
| 00:19:17 | So stick around,
'cause later, we'll tell you how you can
get in on the action.
|
| 00:19:21 | Tonight, you havean opportunity
to enterfor your chance to win
the "afv" dream vacation sweepstakes.
|
| 00:19:27 | You and your familycould eny vacations
every year for the next three years
courtesy of disney vacation club.
|
| 00:19:33 | Imagine taking family vacations
at destinations around the world,
like the walt disney world resort in florida
or the disneyland resortin california,
the tropical beaches of hawaii,
the caribbean and mexico
or big city experiences in new york,
london and paris.
|
| 00:19:49 | The options are nearly endless
because withdisney vacation club,
you decide when and where to vacation
at hundreds of destinations around the world.
|
| 00:19:57 | And you'll select the type of accommodations
to fit your needs,
from a studiofor a weekend getaway
to a spacious 3-bedroom villafor the entire
family.
|
| 00:20:06 | You at home could be on your way
to making magical memories with disney vacation
club.
|
| 00:20:10 | Stay tuned to find out how you can enter
the "afv" dream vacation sweepstakes.
|
| 00:20:44 | We do
when we come up here
is take her out to eat.
|
| 00:20:48 | I love when they come visit
and so do my roommates.
|
| 00:20:50 | try our new four cheese stuffed
mezzaluna ravioli
with shrimp in white wine cream sauce.
|
| 00:20:55 | Or with grilled sausage.
|
| 00:20:56 | Starting at $9.95.
|
| 00:20:57 | At olive garden.
|
| 00:20:59 | Introducing smart shadesmart balance.
|
| 00:21:00 | Make up so smart, it does 2 things at once.
|
| 00:21:02 | One, instantly adjusts to match your skin
tone.
|
| 00:21:06 | Two, works throughoutthe day to keep
oily areas shine free
and dry skinsoftly hydrated.
|
| 00:21:12 | New from almay.
|
| 00:22:00 | money
the average family wastes over $500 a year
in food.
|
| 00:22:06 | Don't throw it away. protect it in the freezer.
|
| 00:22:09 | ..
|
| 00:22:12 | ..
|
| 00:22:14 | Saving you money.
|
| 00:22:15 | designed with you in
mind.
|
| 00:22:18 | ..
|
| 00:22:21 | Give the same protectionas the leading produce
..
|
| 00:22:24 | For less than halfthe cost.
|
| 00:22:26 | Ziploc.
|
| 00:22:26 | S.c. johnson. a family company.
|
| 00:22:30 | Jeep.
|
| 00:22:31 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:22:32 | knowing that, every day,i have a choice to
make.
|
| 00:22:37 | ..
|
| 00:22:40 | And occasionally,my back.
|
| 00:22:42 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:22:44 | or, I can greedily,rightfully,
seize every ticking moment andnever give
one of them back.
|
| 00:22:52 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:22:54 | I live. I ride. I am.
|
| 00:22:58 | Jeep.
|
| 00:23:00 | signof
cold...
|
| 00:23:01 | ( sneezing )
I didn't takeZicam Cold Remedy...
|
| 00:23:04 | But I did.
|
| 00:23:05 | Can you do it by 3:00 ?
|
| 00:23:06 | Yes, Ian-- how about 2:00 ?
|
| 00:23:09 | Hmm...
|
| 00:23:10 | Get over your cold faster.
|
| 00:23:45 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:23:51 | you know, since I started doing this show,
people recognize me wherever I go.
|
| 00:23:56 | It's really amazing, though.
|
| 00:23:58 | I get a range of reactions,
and I love seeing the looks on their faces.
|
| 00:24:02 | I get everything from elation
to annoyance to terror.
|
| 00:24:07 | you'll--you'll see what i
mean.
|
| 00:24:10 | (all) SURPRISE! (screams)
(laughing)
Aah!
|
| 00:24:21 | (woman) WHERE IS IT?
|
| 00:24:23 | (screams)
(laughing)
(yells) AAH!
|
| 00:24:33 | (laughter)
Aah!
|
| 00:24:38 | (speaks indistinctly)
(woman) ALL RIGHTY.
|
| 00:24:43 | (coughs)
Watch this. this is my barbie britney.
|
| 00:24:48 | .. and...
|
| 00:24:51 | (screams)
(screams) THAT'S HIM!
|
| 00:24:55 | (screams)
Hey!
|
| 00:25:01 | (yells) AAH!
|
| 00:25:04 | (screaming)
(laughter)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:25:15 | (screams)
(cries)
(cheering)
What'd I tell you?
|
| 00:25:27 | All right, I'm gonna rest
my oversized head on an oversized pillow.
|
| 00:25:32 | You take a gander at these.
|
| 00:25:34 | (man) YOU GUYS... THE PAIN WILL BE GONE
Just about the time the unibrow grows back.
|
| 00:25:41 | Ow!
|
| 00:25:43 | The unibrow's gone!
|
| 00:25:46 | ..
|
| 00:25:48 | Stop! come on. man, let me try.
|
| 00:25:50 | (laughter)
(girl) WELL, YOU'RE SHORT.
|
| 00:25:53 | you're too old for
this.
|
| 00:25:57 | OW! (laughing)
(man laughs)
(woman) DO IT AGAIN, BABE. DO IT AGAIN.
|
| 00:26:09 | One more time.
|
| 00:26:11 | That's a dandelion and some really fancy
eyeballs.
|
| 00:26:15 | Blow!
|
| 00:26:17 | And again, blow!
|
| 00:26:20 | I'LL KEEP HOLDING HIM. (man) ...WHERE I
Can get a crane.
|
| 00:26:29 | Let me ask you,
is it possible to get thrown off a horse
before you even get on?
|
| 00:26:35 | (horse neighs) OH!
|
| 00:26:37 | Oh, are you okay?
|
| 00:26:39 | (woman) OH! I'M OKAY.
|
| 00:26:41 | Even when she's outside,
she wastes time on the net.
|
| 00:26:45 | (man) WHOA! (woman) OH, NO, NO!
|
| 00:26:47 | (speaking in foreign language)
(singing "Away In a Manger")
Hey, kid,
I think they want you to sing lower.
|
| 00:27:00 | (laughter)
(girl) MOM! SHE'S GOING OUT FOR A NIGHT ON
The town.
|
| 00:27:08 | Her shoe is going to stay home.
|
| 00:27:10 | OH! (laughing)
he's trying to break that piñata
on the tree
so nobody gets hurt.
|
| 00:27:23 | OH! (man) OH, MY...
|
| 00:27:25 | (laughter)
(cheering)
Yeah.
|
| 00:27:34 | Have you ever been so frustrated
you just want to pull out your hair?
|
| 00:27:38 | Then there are moments you just want to pull
out
someone else's hair? here's a little of each.
|
| 00:27:45 | ..
|
| 00:27:53 | OW! (woman) OH, YOU'VE GOT HIS HAIR!
|
| 00:27:56 | Oh, ow!
|
| 00:27:57 | (child) THERE'S QUICKSAND DOWN HERE.
|
| 00:28:03 | OW, OW! (laughing)
(laughter) (woman speaks indistinctly)
(woman) OH, DID SOMEBODY GET HIM GOING?
|
| 00:28:29 | Oh!
|
| 00:28:32 | (laughter)
Ow!
|
| 00:28:46 | (cries) (woman) CAITLIN, CAITLIN.
|
| 00:28:49 | (man) CAITLIN. NO.
|
| 00:28:55 | OH! (laughs)
Oh, I thinki've got a bite!
|
| 00:29:05 | (laughing)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:29:13 | ow!
|
| 00:29:15 | Ooh, ow!
|
| 00:29:18 | ..
|
| 00:29:23 | (cheering)
Rule number one.
|
| 00:30:02 | Wait for nothing.
|
| 00:30:02 | Announcer: Revlon age defying a foundation.
|
| 00:30:05 | Instantly revitalize, brighten and protect
against fine lines for radiant, flawless
coverage.
|
| 00:30:12 | Revlon age defyingspa foundation.
|
| 00:30:46 | (announcer)YOUR
tylenol doesn'tinterfere with
certain high bloodpressure medicines
the way alevemetimes can.
|
| 00:30:51 | That's one reason why doctors recommend tylenol
more than any other brand of pain reliever.
|
| 00:31:31 | Announcer:WHEN
comes
viruses,
like 2009 h1n1,
regularly
disinfect surfaces.
|
| 00:31:37 | And talk to your friendsabout doing the same.
|
| 00:31:39 | Let's help spread protection against flu
viruses
like 2009 h1n1.
|
| 00:31:46 | (mom)
(brother) WHOA - A TRANSFORMER! BEEU BEEU
(announcer) WITH GREAT GIFTS IN ALL SHAPES
..
|
| 00:31:52 | It's a barbie!
|
| 00:31:53 | (announcer)KMART MAKES CHRISTMAS COUNT
Find eveything from pixos and chixos
to the guitar hero 5 bundle.
|
| 00:31:57 | There's smart,and there's kmart smart.
|
| 00:32:03 | doing,
trying to be biglike you, dad.
|
| 00:32:04 | You're so good at keepingeveryone full and
focused with your fiber.
|
| 00:32:09 | But you already are great at doing that.
|
| 00:32:11 | - Really? - re!
|
| 00:32:12 | You're made with fiber just like me.
|
| 00:32:13 | But best of all, you're the perfect size
for smaller kids,
and they love your chocolaty taste.
|
| 00:32:18 | Kellogg's®®frosted mini-wheats little bites™™
cereal.
|
| 00:32:20 | An excellent sourceof fiber packed in a smaller
..
|
| 00:32:23 | To help keep your little onesfull and focused.
|
| 00:32:25 | - to practice keeping
'em full and focused.
|
| 00:32:28 | I have big shoes to fill.
|
| 00:32:36 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:32:39 | okay, it is time to introduce
"
now one is known for consuming massive amounts
of beer and bratwurst,
and the other has a different way of making
you feel sick.
|
| 00:32:53 | (bell dings) TONIGHT, ON "VERSUS,"
The germans are up first
and, boy, do they love their beer!
|
| 00:33:09 | Das ist gut!
|
| 00:33:10 | But the germ's power is contagious.
|
| 00:33:14 | (sneezes) GESUNDHEIT.
|
| 00:33:17 | (laughter)
The germans decide to follow the lederhosen.
|
| 00:33:24 | Ich bin ein berliner.
|
| 00:33:27 | (audience) OH!
|
| 00:33:30 | But the germs can practically taste victory.
|
| 00:33:34 | Mmm, mmm, good!
|
| 00:33:36 | (audience) OHH!
|
| 00:33:39 | ..
|
| 00:33:43 | Jawohl!
|
| 00:33:46 | (laughter)
(woman) HEY, MADISON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
|
| 00:33:50 | And the germs get a hepatitis "a" for effort.
|
| 00:33:54 | What are you doing, baby?
|
| 00:33:56 | (audience) OH!
|
| 00:33:57 | (speaking in foreign language)
Eins, zwei, drei--wet!
|
| 00:34:04 | (laughter)
The germs are ready to boogie.
|
| 00:34:09 | (indistinct conversations)
(audience) OH!
|
| 00:34:14 | The germans make one last blitz.
|
| 00:34:17 | (laughter)
That's gonna leave a deutsch mark.
|
| 00:34:21 | (bell dings) AND THE WINNER IS...
|
| 00:34:25 | Germs!
|
| 00:34:28 | (laughter)
Join us next week
..
|
| 00:34:38 | "
(cheering)
(laughs)
I thought I'd help out our single viewers
by combining video dating and speed dating
"
I show you videos of people, single people,
doing such goofy and moronic things
that by the end of the night, you're glad
that you are single.
|
| 00:35:00 | You're welcome.
|
| 00:35:02 | He lets go of the rope,
but the rope doesn't let go of him.
|
| 00:35:08 | (woman) HE'S--OH! (shouting)
WHOO-HOO! (laughing)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:35:19 | ..
|
| 00:35:20 | Too much eggnog-in' leads to a sore noggin.
|
| 00:35:30 | (laughter)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:35:38 | (laughter)
Winston is a smart dog.
|
| 00:36:09 | 1 Trick gets him 14 treats.
|
| 00:36:13 | (laughter)
(woman) GET 'EM.
|
| 00:36:23 | Okay, just don't go one-handed.
|
| 00:36:26 | One-handed!
|
| 00:36:28 | (woman gasps)
It's "extreme home makeover:
"
(laughter) (woman) OH!
|
| 00:36:40 | JOE. (laughs)
Look at those nice houses.
|
| 00:36:49 | I wonder which one he'll be recovering in.
|
| 00:36:52 | (man) OH!
|
| 00:36:55 | Are you all right? yeah.
|
| 00:36:57 | You sure? yeah.
|
| 00:37:02 | (boy) THAT ONE WAS EASY.
|
| 00:37:05 | He's gonna stop the bullies
from picking on him at school
by making them laugh.
|
| 00:37:12 | (man laughs)
(laughter)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:37:23 | in the world of sports, a decathlon
represents ten events in which an athlete
competes.
|
| 00:37:28 | A pentathlon is five events.
|
| 00:37:30 | A triathlon, of course, is three.
|
| 00:37:32 | And then there are those who can't even finish
one event.
|
| 00:37:36 | So please enjoy our tribute
"
("Opening Ceremony" playing)
(man) THERE! (man) WHOO!
|
| 00:38:07 | (man shouts indistinctly)
(woman) OH, OH!
|
| 00:38:16 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:38:26 | (shouting)
(whistle blows)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:38:42 | you must be wondering
p
horrible
like I couldn't catch my breath.
|
| 00:39:50 | I couldn't believe I was actually
having a heart attack.
|
| 00:39:53 | I remember being at the hospital,
thinking about my wife.
|
| 00:39:58 | I should have done more to take care of myself.
|
| 00:40:01 | Now I'm exercising, watching my diet,
and I trust my heart to lipitor.
|
| 00:40:06 | (announcer) UNLIKE SOME OTHER
Cholesterol lowering medications,
lipitor is fda approved
to reduce the risk of heart attack, stroke
and certain kinds of heart surgeries
in patients with several common risk factors
or heart disease.
|
| 00:40:17 | Lipitor is backed by over 17 years of research.
|
| 00:40:20 | Lipitor is not for everyone,
including people with liver problems
and women who are nursing, pregnant
or may become pregnant.
|
| 00:40:27 | You need simple blood tests to check for
liver problems.
|
| 00:40:29 | Tell your doctor if you are taking other
medications
or if you have any muscle pain or weakness.
|
| 00:40:34 | This may be a sign of a rare but serious
side effect.
|
| 00:40:37 | I'll never forget what I went through.
|
| 00:40:40 | Don't take your health for granted.
|
| 00:40:41 | (announcer) HAVE A HEART TO HEART WITH PPYOUR
Doctor about your risk.
|
| 00:40:44 | And about lipitor.
|
| 00:40:47 | awesome.
|
| 00:40:47 | Do you wt to go to my apartment?
|
| 00:40:49 | !
|
| 00:40:49 | ..
|
| 00:40:51 | Need a moment?
|
| 00:40:55 | I thought you were a believer.
|
| 00:40:56 | Someone who wanted to blog about their ideals.
|
| 00:40:58 | I love blogging!
|
| 00:40:59 | Chew it over with twix
♪♪ ♪♪
|
| 00:41:03 | ♪♪
|
| 00:41:15 | we're opening more lanes than ever, to
make christmas shping easier.
|
| 00:41:20 | And with unbeatableprices,christmas costs
less at walmart.
|
| 00:41:25 | Save money. live better.walmart.
|
| 00:41:47 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:41:52 | (man) WHOO! OKAY.
|
| 00:41:54 | Now we are going to do a background check
on some of the people on our show,
and don't worry, we're not going to go through
their trash.
|
| 00:42:01 | We're just going to look in the background
of their videos.
|
| 00:42:04 | You try it, too.
|
| 00:42:06 | (cheering) THEIR PHOTOGRAPHER
.. of the grass.
|
| 00:42:12 | WHOA! (laughing)
(woman) AND HERE COMES...
|
| 00:42:16 | Hey, grandpa, you're retired.
|
| 00:42:18 | Couldn't you take two trips down the driveway?
|
| 00:42:22 | Whoa!
|
| 00:42:24 | Stupid--oh, the idiot.
|
| 00:42:26 | What's he think he's doing?
|
| 00:42:28 | Are you hurt?
|
| 00:42:30 | You have to spoil everything, don't you?
|
| 00:42:33 | I know who isn't going to get an m.v.p. trophy.
|
| 00:42:39 | (applause)
You have to get the basket in.
|
| 00:42:46 | Come on, guys.
|
| 00:42:48 | she's on fire,
and so is her house.
|
| 00:42:52 | DID YOU GET IT? (woman) YEAH, I GOT IT,
I got it. do it again.
|
| 00:42:55 | You're burning your house!
|
| 00:42:58 | What? what's happening?
|
| 00:43:01 | I can't believe it!
|
| 00:43:02 | (woman) JUST GET AWAY, GLORIA. GLORIA!
|
| 00:43:07 | .. is that what it
was?
|
| 00:43:11 | (kid) I DON'T KNOW. I WASN'T COOKING.
|
| 00:43:14 | (speaks in foreign language)
(woman) WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THAT TREADMILL
Anyway?
|
| 00:43:19 | You gonna work out? yes.
|
| 00:43:21 | T ready for wrestling? yeah.
|
| 00:43:23 | Conditioning, get your heart thumping.
|
| 00:43:26 | Yep.
|
| 00:43:28 | God, you're getting so big, man.
|
| 00:43:31 | Whoa!
|
| 00:43:33 | (laughing) OW, MY BUTT!
|
| 00:43:36 | (woman) AUBREY! WHAT?
|
| 00:43:37 | That's what little sisters are made for.
|
| 00:43:38 | My butt!
|
| 00:43:41 | ..
|
| 00:43:44 | He's practicing his first confession,
but his brother is the one with something
to confess.
|
| 00:43:49 | Not obeying my parents,
not listening.
|
| 00:43:55 | (woman laughs)
Tonight, they're going to toss some cookies
tonight, on our "salute to stupidity,"
we tip our hats to the burglars in texas--
and this is true, by the way--
who broke into a store that sold high-tech
security equipment.
|
| 00:44:12 | Unfortunately for them,
their crime was captured on 17 surveillance
cameras!
|
| 00:44:16 | We dedicate these clips to you dumb guys
and hope you enjoy watching them from the
comfort of your cell.
|
| 00:44:24 | (engine rumbles) (barking)
(engine stops)
Planks for nothing!
|
| 00:44:37 | (laughter)
(speaking in foreign language)
Here's a changeup--
a tot drops his mom off at the park.
|
| 00:44:52 | (laughter)
(speaking in foreign language)
Go get 'em.
|
| 00:44:58 | The dog raked those leaves.
|
| 00:45:01 | He can do whatever he wants with them.
|
| 00:45:02 | What'd you do, coop? what you doing?
|
| 00:45:05 | (woman) COOPER! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO JUMP
Over?
|
| 00:45:09 | This explains
how dave got that fresh pine scent.
|
| 00:45:14 | Whoo!
|
| 00:45:16 | (laughter)
(man) OH, NO! NO!
|
| 00:45:22 | Don't they know
cats prefer cardigans?
|
| 00:45:26 | (laughter)
So this is the bridge to nowhere
everyone's talking about.
|
| 00:45:33 | (woman) SHE'S GONNA FALL. (screams)
(laughing)
NO. (man) DID YOU GET A PICTURE OF THAT?
|
| 00:45:44 | Ow. go away!
|
| 00:45:47 | Ow!
|
| 00:45:48 | Careful, kid, you gotta protect those puppies.
|
| 00:45:52 | Ow! ow!
|
| 00:45:54 | (man laughs)
Get out of the way!
|
| 00:46:02 | Get out of the way!
|
| 00:46:04 | (laughing)
(cheering)
@@@úúúúppppxxxx÷÷x÷WE DO
When we come up here
is take her out to eat.
|
| 00:46:17 | I love when they come visit
and so do my roommates.
|
| 00:46:19 | try our new four cheese stuffed
mezzaluna ravioli
with shrimp in white wine cream sauce.
|
| 00:46:24 | Or with grilled sausage.
|
| 00:46:25 | Starting at $9.95.
|
| 00:46:26 | At olive garden.
|
| 00:46:29 | what?
|
| 00:46:30 | (dad) THAT TABLE'S FOR PEOPLE UNDER FIVE
Feet.
|
| 00:46:32 | You're in my chair!
|
| 00:46:33 | (announcer) KMART MAKES CHRISTMAS COUNT
With great prices on these small kitchen
appliances
and festive decor,
so you can spread the cheer all the way to
the kid's table.
|
| 00:46:39 | There's smart,and there's kmart smart.
|
| 00:46:44 | (vet)
working
but my allergies put me in a fog.
|
| 00:46:47 | So now, I'm claritin clear!
|
| 00:46:49 | Claritin is the clear choice
because it works great on all my allergies
whether it's dust, mold, pollen, or pets
and it won't make me drowsy,
cause I want to be alert
when I'm working with animals.
|
| 00:47:00 | For me claritin works so well
sometimes I even forget I have allergies
which helps me focus on what's important.
|
| 00:47:06 | Ise okay?
|
| 00:47:07 | Yeah. she looks good.
|
| 00:47:09 | In my life, I onlylive claritin clear.
|
| 00:47:12 | Indoors and out.
|
| 00:47:14 | )
( humming continues )
( inhaling deeply )
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:47:21 | wow!
|
| 00:47:22 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:47:28 | when fragrance is your centerpiece,
the holidays come alive.
|
| 00:47:33 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:47:34 | ( thud )
Both: Whoa!
|
| 00:47:38 | The limited editionholiday collection by
glade®®.
|
| 00:47:40 | S.c. johnson--a family company.
|
| 00:47:51 | ñzp8xYp9éú@0f @n@ x x?@éú038@pPom Wevú8úoPrú÷
tú PP v?
|
| 00:48:14 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:48:35 | (announcer)TRY OUT A FEW DIFFERENT MOMS
And get all of theextra mothering
you need this coldand flu season.
|
| 00:48:39 | THE KLEENEX VIRTUALMOMS AT getmommed.com.
|
| 00:48:45 | doing,
trying to be biglike you, dad.
|
| 00:48:47 | You're so good at keepingeveryone full and
focused with your fiber.
|
| 00:48:51 | But you already are great at doing that.
|
| 00:48:54 | - Really? - sure!
|
| 00:48:55 | You're made with fiber just like me.
|
| 00:48:56 | But best of all, you're the perfect size
for smaller kids,
and they love your chocolaty taste.
|
| 00:49:00 | Kellogg's®®frosted mini-wheats little bites™™
cereal.
|
| 00:49:03 | An excellent sourceof fiber packed in a smaller
..
|
| 00:49:05 | To help keep your little onesfull and focused.
|
| 00:49:07 | - to practice keeping
'em full and focused.
|
| 00:49:11 | I have big shoes to fill.
|
| 00:49:44 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:49:47 | (cheers and applause)
Okay,
now it's time to put our money where our
mouth is
and give away some cash.
|
| 00:49:57 | First up, "loose on linoleum"
sent in by darcy sawyer and family
FROM LOCKE, NEW YORK. (cheering)
(barking)
(laughter)
(barking)
(cheers and applause)
The next contender for tonight's 10 grand
giveaway
is "cash for quads"
sent in by the graf family from goddard,
kansas.
|
| 00:50:26 | (cheering)
(crying)
(woman) YOU WANT TO HEAR JOHNNY CASH? OKAY.
|
| 00:50:34 | (crying)
("Folsom Prison Blues" playing)
AMAZING. (cheers and applause)
And here's their competition for the big
money.
|
| 00:50:44 | Let's meet our final finalist,
"radish regret" sent in by bob shine
from wimberley, texas.
|
| 00:50:52 | (cheering)
(laughing)
(man) IS THAT A RADISH?
|
| 00:51:00 | (laughing)
(cheers and applause)
All right, our audience has seen the three
nominees.
|
| 00:51:12 | It is time to vote now.
|
| 00:51:14 | (beeping) AND WHILE WE TALLY THE VOTES,
Let's pay tribute to some of
tonight's other stellar videos, our honorable
mentions.
|
| 00:51:24 | (bird squawking)
(crash, screech)
(motor revs)
(metal rattling)
Ohh!
|
| 00:51:39 | Ow!
|
| 00:51:40 | (boing, boing)
(bouncing sound)
♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:51:52 | (pinging)
(cheers and applause)
All right, now the results of our voting.
|
| 00:52:00 | Our third place $2,000 winner
is "cash for quads"
sent in by the graf family
from goddard, kansas.
|
| 00:52:09 | (cheering)
And the winner of the $10,000
and tonight's funniest home video
is "radish regret"
sent in by bob shine from wimberley, texas.
|
| 00:52:23 | We've got dad bob. we've got mom tess.
|
| 00:52:27 | Hello, bob. hey.
|
| 00:52:29 | Hello, tess. hi, it's nice to see you.
|
| 00:52:31 | What have you done with the little girl
oh, my gosh, look how
she's grown.
|
| 00:52:35 | Hi, julien. hi.
|
| 00:52:37 | How old are you now? I'm 20.
|
| 00:52:38 | how old were you when you ate
the radish-apple? I was 2.
|
| 00:52:42 | 2.
|
| 00:52:42 | Now this isn't a video we've had lying around
for 18 years.
|
| 00:52:46 | You just sent it in recently, right?
|
| 00:52:48 | Why did you keep it to yourself for so long?
|
| 00:52:50 | I didn't-- I saw--i didn't see
it.
|
| 00:52:52 | There were too many of 'em to deal with.
|
| 00:52:53 | Oh, really?
|
| 00:52:54 | I've gotta ask, uh, do you like
radishes now?
|
| 00:52:58 | uh, I haven't had 'em
in a long time,
but yeah, last time I tried a radish I liked
it. yeah.
|
| 00:53:04 | I did. oh, okay.
|
| 00:53:05 | ..
|
| 00:53:06 | Wow!
|
| 00:53:07 | .. thank you.
|
| 00:53:09 | And we'll see you on the $100,000 show.
|
| 00:53:10 | Thanks.
|
| 00:53:11 | Don't leave your videos lying around so long!
|
| 00:53:12 | Yeah.
|
| 00:53:16 | (cheering)
That's it for tonight,
but that's not it for our videos.
|
| 00:53:25 | We'll be back with more brand-new ones soon.
|
| 00:53:27 | Until then, remember, if you get it on video,
send it in eventually, won't you?
|
| 00:53:32 | You could get it in cash.
|
| 00:53:34 | Good night, everybody.
|
| 00:53:36 | ♪♪♪♪
|
| 00:53:37 | @@@@@úúúppppxxxx÷÷÷÷
Announcer:WHEN
comes
viruses,
like 2009 h1n1,
regularly
disinfect surfaces.
|
| 00:55:15 | And talk to your friendsabout doing the same.
|
| 00:55:17 | Let's help spread protection against flu
viruses
like 2009 h1n1.
|
| 00:55:24 | cold
( sneezes ) ALKA-SELTZER PLUS IS SPECIALLY
..
|
| 00:55:28 | ( plop, fizzing ) WITH COLD AND FLU FIGHTING
..
|
| 00:55:30 | ( fizzing ) AND A STRONG PAIN RELIEVER TO
..
|
| 00:55:34 | Everywhere you need it.
|
| 00:55:37 | Alka-seltzer plus.
|
| 00:55:39 | Rule number one.
|
| 00:55:40 | Wait for nothing.
|
| 00:55:41 | Announcer: Revlon age defying spa foundation.
|
| 00:55:44 | Instantly revitalize, brighten and protect
against fine lines for radiant, flawless
coverage.
|
| 00:55:50 | Revlon age defyingspa foundation.
|
| 00:55:55 | hi!
|
| 00:55:55 | get
that's yours.
|
| 00:55:59 | - you can
get out.
|
| 00:56:04 | Hi. what can I get for this?
|
| 00:56:06 | ..
|
| 00:56:08 | With all the amenities in a meaty, melty
McDOUBLE.
|
| 00:56:11 | OR MAYBE AN irresistible McChicken, golden
fries,
..
|
| 00:56:16 | That are always here for you.
|
| 00:56:18 | - Eh? - wow!
|
| 00:56:19 | THE DOLLAR MENU.EVERY DAY, ONLY at McDonald's.
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| 00:56:22 | ♪♪ Ba da ba ba ba ♪♪
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| 00:56:25 | Kmart
wait, christmas? didn't we just carve pumpkins?
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| 00:56:27 | - They have layaway! - genius.
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| 00:56:30 | EXCLUSIVE Kmart LAYAWAY!
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| 00:56:31 | Get the hottest giftson your list now,
pay a little each week and pickem up in the
nick of time.
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| 00:56:36 | THERE'S SMART,AND THERE'S Kmart SMART.
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