Hogan's Heroes - War Takes a Holiday

TVLANDP

Aired on Wednesday, Dec 09, 2009 (12/9/2009) at 12:30 PM

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Transcript

00:03:42Hi, Schultzy.
00:03:44Have a cigarette?
00:03:45Go on, Schultz.
00:03:50Five guards with machine guns.
00:03:53They're sure not taking any chances with those underground prisoners.
00:03:55NEWKIRK: And look who's guarding us-- Schultz.
00:03:57I think it's a plot to make us feel worthless.
00:03:59We will be if we don't free those prisoners.
00:04:01I don't want to seem negative, Colonel, but getting those new prisoners out of the cooler won't exactly be a piece of cake.
00:04:07That translates into French asrien àà faire and then back into English as meaning definitely impossible.
00:04:12I'm with you.
00:04:13From Hilda.
00:04:14Information on the underground prisoners.
00:04:20"Lydon from Austria, Albens from Belgium, Calaruso from Italy, Belét from France." The major leaders of the underground.
00:04:27With those fellas out of action, the Resistance movement will be at a standstill.
00:04:31Well, what are we going to do about it?
00:04:33It's simple-- a tunnel.
00:04:34We dig a tunnel.
00:04:35Forget it.
00:04:36It would take a week to dig a tunnel.
00:04:37That special escort will be here any day.
00:04:39Well, all right.
00:04:40It was a rotten idea, but at least I was first.
00:04:42The cooler they're being kept in-- it's in pretty bad shape, isn't it?
00:04:46Shocking.
00:04:47And with the Red Cross inspector due, it should be put in shape like the rest of the camp-- new mattresses, new stove, right?
00:04:54Right, but I still don't see how that's going to help us get those prisoners out.
00:04:57Good.
00:04:58Maybe Klink won't see how either.
00:04:59And despite adverse conditions, I am again forced to report that Stalag 13 is operating at 100% efficiency.
00:05:08I guess that sums it up, Fraulein Hilda.
00:05:10Wouldn't you say so?
00:05:11Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
00:05:12Is that all?
00:05:14Not quite.
00:05:16You see, I just came into possession of a perfectly splendid bottle of wine, and I thought possibly this afternoon you and I could...
00:05:22Not today, Colonel.
00:05:23I just don't quite feel up to it.
00:05:25Perhaps tomorrow?
00:05:26(door opens) Fill out that memo in triplicate and send it out immediately.
00:05:34Of course, sir.
00:05:38Hogan, I don't recall having sent for you.
00:05:41A very friendly attitude.
00:05:42I certainly hope the new camp commandant is more agreeable.
00:05:45New camp comma...
00:05:48That's ridiculous!
00:05:49You didn't expect to keep your job after the Red Cross inspector sees this place?
00:05:52You know, Hogan, there are times when you can be most tiresome, and this is one of them.
00:05:58Stalag 13 is a model prison camp.
00:06:01Really?
00:06:01Every inch.
00:06:02Including the cooler, where the underground prisoners are being held?
00:06:05The comfort of those prisoners is Major Hochstetter's concern, not mine.
00:06:08You're not concerned.
00:06:09Well, I certainly think Major Hochstetter wouldn't want to hear that.
00:06:13Hogan...
00:06:13Colonel, I'm trying to help you.
00:06:14Would Hochstetter do as much?
00:06:16He gave the orders.
00:06:17No one is to interfere with his prisoners.
00:06:19Sure, what does he care?
00:06:20Is the Red Cross going to mention his name to the Inspector General?
00:06:23You can bet your monocle they won't.
00:06:25But that's different.
00:06:26Well, sure, it is.
00:06:27But just remember, the Inspector General always has an extra ticket handy for the Stalingrad Express.
00:06:35Just a moment, Hogan.
00:06:41What's to be done exactly?
00:06:42Nothing much-- clean up, a new stove.
00:06:44We have new mattresses; they should have new mattresses.
00:06:47Otherwise the old ones will stick out like a sore thumb.
00:06:50But Major Hochstetter...
00:06:51Change them when Hochstetter isn't around.
00:06:54It'll only take your men a few minutes.
00:06:56I'll supervise for you.
00:06:57My men?
00:06:59It's your idea.
00:06:59Your men will change them, and I will supervise.
00:07:02I wouldn't have it any other way.
00:07:13Can't your men work any faster?
00:07:14All right, come on, fellas.
00:07:16Speed it up.
00:07:20Look at the time.
00:07:21They're supposed to be finished by now.
00:07:23Relax.
00:07:24Hochstetter's in town, isn't he?
00:07:25What if he comes back early?
00:07:29not afraid of Hochstetter.
00:07:30If he interferes, tell him off.
00:07:31Yes, of course.
00:07:33I'm glad you feel that way, because here he comes.
00:07:35What is going on here, Klink?
00:07:36What are these men doing around the restricted area?
00:07:38Major Hochstetter, please control yourself.
00:07:40We're just doing a little housecleaning.
00:07:42Housecleaning?
00:07:43This is a prison.
00:07:44Major Hochstetter, back from town so soon?
00:07:46Klink, isn't this man ever locked up?
00:07:48Careful how you talk to Colonel Klink, sir.
00:07:51The Gestapo doesn't frighten him.
00:07:53Hogan!
00:07:54Sir, Colonel Hogan is most cooperative.
00:07:55It's the only way to be, sir.
00:07:56And I'm sure you've got more important things to do, so don't let us hold you up.
00:07:59HOCHSTETTER: What is this?
00:08:01This is a mattress.
00:08:02I know it's a mattress.
00:08:02What are you doing with it?
00:08:03Oh, that's all right, Major.
00:08:05They are just following my orders.
00:08:08Oh?
00:08:09The Red Cross inspector-- he would never approve those mattresses.
00:08:11Why? What's wrong with them?
00:08:12Well, they're old, they're worn.
00:08:15Probably contaminated.
00:08:17HOCHSTETTER: They look all right to me.
00:08:19Halt!
00:08:22Hogan, you and your men...
00:08:24HOCHSTETTER: The truck!
00:08:32This is your idea of housecleaning?
00:08:33Major Hochstetter, I don't understand.
00:08:36Believe me...
00:08:37Kruger!
00:08:39From now on, anyone who crosses this line will be shot...
00:08:43Major Hochstetter...
00:08:44Especially Colonel Klink.
00:08:46This is unheard of.
00:08:47I assure you...
00:08:48Just a hunch, Colonel, but I don't think you're wanted around here.
00:08:52We really blew that one.
00:08:54All the way.
00:08:55NEWKIRK: Yeah, the old Kraut's going to be pretty tough to live with from now on.
00:08:58Oh, I can handle Klink.
00:08:59It's the guys in the underground I'm worried about.
00:09:02We can't forget about them.
00:09:03Hochstetter's doubled the guard.
00:09:04LeBeau's right-- they're done for.
00:09:06NEWKIRK: They won't get out till the war's over.
00:09:11Yeah.
00:09:13Yeah, that's it.
00:09:14NEWKIRK: What's it?
00:09:16What you said.
00:09:16That's the answer.
00:09:17They won't get out until the war's over.
00:09:19NEWKIRK: So?
00:09:20It's simple.
00:09:21We'll end the war.
00:09:24Do you really think we're going to convince Klink and Hochstetter that the war is over?
00:09:27There's no guarantee, but if we pull it off, those underground prisoners are going to go free.
00:09:31It's got to be worth a try.
00:09:33All right, good.
00:09:34Thomas...
00:09:35The radio station in Hammelburg.
00:09:36We'll take it exactly 4:55.
00:09:37You got your script?
00:09:38Yeah, right here.
00:09:39All right, good.
00:09:40Newkirk...
00:09:40I take care of the switchboard, sir.
00:09:42And you intercept Hochstetter's call to Berlin.
00:09:44What if he doesn't make it?
00:09:46Don't worry, he'll make it.
00:09:47LeBeau...
00:09:48Dummy newspaper-- plant it on Schultz.
00:09:51Good.
00:09:51Now, Hilda knows what to do?
00:09:53Don't worry.
00:09:54She'll get Klink to turn on the radio at exactly 5:00, just for you...
00:09:57and a pound of coffee and six pair of nylons.
00:10:00Ain't love grand?
00:10:02Thanks.
00:10:03Let's go.
00:10:06Fraulein Hilda, one sip of this and you won't be able to control yourself.
00:10:11Why, Colonel, whatever gave you the idea that I would want to control myself?
00:10:16Don't be bashful.
00:10:17Bottoms up.
00:10:20Mmm... marvelous.
00:10:23It makes me feel warm all over.
00:10:25Me, too.
00:10:27But you haven't had any yet.
00:10:29Oh.
00:10:31Do you know what I'd really like?
00:10:33Name it.
00:10:35Music.
00:10:36Romantic music.
00:10:39(clicks radio on) (music playing on radio) (music ends) That was nice,ja?
00:10:50And now our Fuhrer's favorite, The Ride of the Valkyries, dedicated to our victorious troops on the Russian front.
00:10:59( The Ride of the Valkyries playing) (shuts off phonograph) Achtung! Achtung!
00:11:12We interrupt this program to bring you an important news bulletin.
00:11:16The war is over.
00:11:16KINCHLOE (continues): Armistice has been declared.
00:11:18At 4:55 this afternoon, the Berlin High Command announced the end of hostilities between Germany and Allied forces, officially ending the war.
00:11:29We repeat, the war is over!
00:11:30Stay tuned to this station for further bulletins.
00:11:38Frau Hilda, did you hear that?
00:11:40The war is over.
00:11:41Call Colonel Hogan, Major Hochstetter.
00:11:43The war is over!
00:11:44It's over! It's over.
00:15:40over?
00:15:40You can take my word for it.
00:15:43The war is definitely over.
00:15:45(door slams, footsteps clopping) (female voice): Oh, what about the party?
00:15:48Everybody's coming and it's my...
00:15:49(as Bomberg): Oh,Liebchen,give me one...
00:15:51(another voice): But you told me...
00:15:53(as Bomberg): Ah, but ladies, please, please...
00:15:55You're tearing my uniform!
00:15:57Get back!
00:15:58(horns blow) Oh, so long, Hochstetter!
00:16:08Well, it's over.
00:16:09It's really over.
00:16:11See, I told you so.
00:16:13(humming) "D-Der Krieg Ist Zu Ende!" Der... der Krieg ist zu Ende!!
00:16:26Believe me, Hogan, if Bomberg says the war is over, the war is over.
00:16:29Really, Hogan, you're the most stubborn man I've ever met.
00:16:33I'm not stubborn, I'm wise to you.
00:16:34You release the prisoners, they walk out the gate, the Gestapo's waiting outside with machine guns-- "Shot while escaping." I'm just not buying it, Klink.
00:16:44Colonel!
00:16:45Colonel!
00:16:45Colonel, it's over!
00:16:47The war is over!
00:16:49Well, Hogan, what do you say now?
00:16:54I... I don't know what to think.
00:16:58(groans) I am the colonel, you are the sergeant, and you are not discharged yet.
00:17:03Speaking of discharges, what are you planning on doing, Colonel, I mean, if the war is really over?
00:17:08Well, back to civilian life.
00:17:10You know, Hogan, a man with my experience as a bookkeeper shouldn't have any trouble finding work.
00:17:16All the big companies need bookkeepers.
00:17:19How about you, Schultz?
00:17:20I was in toys, but the government took over the toy factory for the war effort.
00:17:25Now that the war is over, I hope they're going to give back the toy factory.
00:17:29Then we can make toys again.
00:17:31And what company was it, Schultz?
00:17:32The Schatzi Toy Company.
00:17:35Oh.
00:17:35Hogan, you wouldn't know about that, but the Schatzi Toy Company is the biggest toy company in all of Germany.
00:17:40Schultz, do you think your boss would give you your old job back, huh?
00:17:43Why not?
00:17:45I'm the boss.
00:17:47You own the Schatzi Toy Company?
00:17:50Jawohl.
00:17:54Schultz, would you like a cigar?
00:17:56Thank you, Colonel.
00:17:57Please don't call me "Colonel." Call me "Wilhelm." Danke, Wilhelm.
00:18:06Hogan, you're a free man.
00:18:07The war is over.
00:18:08You may go.
00:18:08If you don't mind, I'll wait.
00:18:10I'm still not sold.
00:18:11Do as you wish.
00:18:12Of course it's really none of my business, Major Hochstetter, but you could help erase the bad image the Gestapo has by releasing your prisoners now.
00:18:19I mean, they're civilians-- that is, if the war is really over.
00:18:23Hogan, the war is over!
00:18:26But I think I'd better wait.
00:18:27A special armed guard is on its way here from Berlin to pick them up.
00:18:32Believe me, Hochstetter, those armed guards turned back the moment they heard the news.
00:18:36While you're here waiting for them, they're back in Berlin dancing in the streets.
00:18:41You may be right.
00:18:42And I think Colonel Hogan had a very good suggestion.
00:18:44I don't think it would do any harm for the Gestapo to act a little bit more human.
00:18:49Klink!
00:18:49Careful, the war is over.
00:18:53You know what?
00:18:54What?
00:18:57I think I will go release my prisoners.
00:19:02Now I'm convinced the war is over.
00:19:06ALL: ♪♪ In all my dreams ♪♪
00:19:10♪♪ In all my dreams... ♪♪
00:19:13Look at them.
00:19:14I told them they can go and they're having such a good time, they don't want to leave.
00:19:17No oneeverwants to leave Stalag 13.
00:19:20Excuse me a minute.
00:19:20I should be sharing this moment with my men.
00:19:24(singing and laughing) All right, hold it, hold it.
00:19:30We didn't go to all this work just to have the eight of you organize a singing group.
00:19:34Sorry, Colonel, we couldn't tell them.
00:19:36Schultz was here.
00:19:37Okay, beat it.
00:19:38Haven't you heard, Colonel?
00:19:40The war is over!
00:19:41I know, the five of us ended it, and as soon as Klink and Hochstetter find out, they're going to start it up again.
00:19:46What a beautiful job.
00:19:47How did you do it?
00:19:48No time now.
00:19:49You can read about it next month inStars and Stripes, now beat it.
00:19:53Keep up the good work.
00:19:54Yeah, same to you.
00:19:55Come on.
00:19:56Good-bye, then.
00:19:57Hold it, hold it.
00:19:58You guys should go in style.
00:19:59Major Hochstetter, can I see you a minute, please?
00:20:02Don't push your luck, Colonel.
00:20:03Haven't you heard? There's a war on.
00:20:05You've got to take chances.
00:20:09Yes?
00:20:10Your... your prisoners have decided to leave us, but it's a long hike into town.
00:20:14I was wondering if they might borrow your car.
00:20:16Borrow my car?
00:20:17Well, they'll return it tomorrow, won't you, fellas?
00:20:20MAN: Yeah.
00:20:20These are going to be big men in industry, and who knows?
00:20:24You may need a job.
00:20:26Well, I don't...
00:20:27Look, I'll tell you what.
00:20:29I'll sign for it.
00:20:29If they don't return it, I'll pay for it.
00:20:32Yes, but...
00:20:33What difference does it make?
00:20:34The war's over.
00:20:35Well, yes, the war is over... but...
00:20:40Well, all right, take the car.
00:20:47(car engine starts) Well, gentlemen, shall we celebrate?
00:21:17Ah, General Busse, this is indeed a great pleasure.
00:21:20Speak for yourself, Klink.
00:21:21Now, what is this-- guards without guns, uniforms unbuttoned, prisoners running wild?
00:21:27Well, I...
00:21:28You call this discipline?
00:21:29No, sir.
00:21:31General.
00:21:32At ease.
00:21:33I heard in Berlin that congratulations are in order.
00:21:36Capturing those underground leaders is quite a feather in your cap, huh?
00:21:40Thank you, General.
00:21:41Of course, it doesn't mean as much now, hmm?
00:21:44Now that the war is over?
00:21:47The what is what?
00:21:50The war-- it's over.
00:21:52The war is over.
00:21:53That's right, General.
00:21:54Haven't you heard?
00:21:55No, and neither have the Americans.
00:21:57They bombed Berlin just one half hour ago.
00:22:00You mean the war isn't over?
00:22:03Of course it is not over!
00:22:05Gee, Hochstetter, what a bad break, and after you let those four underground prisoners go.
00:22:09But you made a lot of friends for the Gestapo.
00:22:12You stupid fool, you!
00:22:14You have been tricked.
00:22:16And you... you... you idiot, you.
00:22:20I will see to it that you are...
00:22:21Sir, I hate to butt in, but all of Colonel Klink's prisoners are still here.
00:22:25That's right.
00:22:27That's right!
00:22:28Schultz, close the gates.
00:22:30The war is bk on.
00:22:33I will deal with you back in Berlin.
00:22:35Now follow me in your car.
00:22:37(clicks heels) My car?
00:22:43..
00:22:46Well, sir...
00:22:47my car...
00:22:50Uh, sir, knowing your sense of fair play, you can understand the major lending his car to the prisoners.
00:22:56I mean, it's miles to town.
00:22:57You did what?!
00:23:01Get in my car!
00:24:41q@óq@q@@@@@@@@@q@@qñ @ñ Hogan, amazing.
00:25:06What was, sir?
00:25:07That the underground could create such a hoax.
00:25:08I'm surprised they fooled the Gestapo.
00:25:10Well, it didn't surprise me.
00:25:12I'll remember that.
00:25:13You'll forget it.
00:25:17Wilhelm, if you work for me after the war, I hope you won't be so easily fooled.
00:25:25You and Hochstetter...
00:25:32(cigar box closes) The war isnotover.
00:25:36The war isnotover.
00:25:39Out?
00:25:40Out!
00:25:43Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
00:25:45What was that you said about the Gestapo?
00:25:50Forget it.
00:25:59He would make a lousy bookkeeper.
00:26:07Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT Of education and MTV NETWORKS And starring james arness as matt dillon.
00:27:28(whinnying) That's enough out of you.
00:27:43Now get inside!
00:27:44You ain't near had all of me you're going to get, dillon.
00:27:49Over there.
00:27:56Get in there!
00:28:00Hey, what about these things here?
00:28:09How long you figure on keeping me here?
00:28:11I'll let you know that tomorrow.
00:28:29Thanks, hank.
00:28:30Can you put them away?
00:28:32Sure.
00:29:00(sighing) ♪ Six big catfish a-waiting to be ate ♪

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